I am an emotional wreck. Due in large part I know, to losing 132 pounds after my bypass surgery. And although I am much, much healthier- I am more emotionally charged. I feel things now that I didn't know I would feel. Insecurities and doubts have snuck into my mind and my heart. And as much as I thought it were nto possible, I have changed. I don't know that it's all a bad thing. But definately they're changes that need to be dealt with whenever I figure out how. But even though I am changing, the people and situations around me have not. And what once seemed like securities and sure bets- now seem everything but. I don;t know even now as I type this all out if it's making any sense.

Most of it has to do with my relationship with Shawn. For most of my life, all of it that's counted thus far for sure, he has been my everything in every sense of the phrase. He's been my rock, my best friend, my partner, my love. My better half. He has completed me. And now, I have changed. I see life and everything to do with it differently. And because of that, things inside of me have shifted. Shifting all that we have and share. I still love him, honestly, I do. But like I said, I have changed. And although this surgery has changed me, it has not changed anyone else in my life. How could it?

I have become for the most part, happier. I am definately more active. I see things in a new and brighter light. I cherish things more. And I think the biggest change, is that I have spent so much of my life in hiding. I always tried to blend into the woodwork if you will. I tried to dumb myself down. I didn't want to be notied. I didn't feel that I had any right being int he world amongst all the others out there that had so much more to offer than I.

In all honesty, I felt like I wasn't worth anything. That I didn't deserve the happy ever after that every woman dreas of fromt he time she's born. And now, as I have shed the weight that plagued me with ill thoughts about myself and my life, I am evolving in everyw ay possible. I hold my head higher. I no longer hide. I do my hair, wear make-up daily, get onvolved with the people around me and I am able to make my thoughts and my presence known. I now feel like a true woman. One who deserves happiness. One who deserves recognition. One who deserves a life filled with love, peace and unending happiness.

At some point, I starting looking at Shawn differently too. Not that I set out to... quite the contrary. But when I looked at him, i saw the boyfriend of 11 years who I loved heart and soul and yet seemed unable to return the favor. I looked at the man who when I first started dating refused to let me tell anyone for years. (Three to be exact) Who for years (Eight) was unable to tell me that he loved me. And for years, unknowingly to him- made me feel as though I was a woman who was tolerated. Not necessarily a woman to enjoy and be grateful for. None of these things are or were meant to hurt or intentionally crush my spirit or my dreams. But they did.

So many times, I thought of leaving. But I did love him. And I always thought too, that if he couldn't love me the way I needed to beloved- how could another man? So I stayed.

And now, I look at Shawn, still loving him. And yet, part of me loathing him for making me feel unlovable at times. Making me feel ashamed for who I was and as if I wasn't someone to be proud of. I look at him and see the fact that he's pretty lazy, find his personal hygiene lacking and his being "emotionally challenged" a real pisser. And I think, I am going to marry him? Marriage to me, should be forever, and damn it all if forever ain;t a damn longtime. Ya know?

In hsi defense, he tells me he loves me openly more now than ever before. I have made him see the error of his ways. He knows now that he unintentionally destroyed a huge part of my self-worth and self-esteem. He makes an effort to be more or a partner, a lover and a friend. And yet, a bg part of me wonders if it's all not too little too late as the saying goes?

I see the way men look at me now. I get hit on a lot. And it's flattering. I can't help but wonder if there's more out there. If thee isn;t someone out there better suited to meet my needs as a woman, lover and friend. O)ne who can admire my passion for life, for love and my ability to be obnoxiously upbeat. One who can accept me for the woman that I am unconditionally.

I have started conveying all of this to him. We've started communicating more. I was all but packed up and ready to set sail last week. Destination and future unknown, but at that point, I didn't care. But after talking to several people openly and honestly, I wonder if I am being fair to him or to us.

11 years is an awful long time to walk out on. He stayed by me through thick and thin literally. And in his own twisted way, loved me. Even if I was unable to read the signs and see it. And I know that this surgery has fucked with my head, and that 99% of my issues are mine and mine alone. Mine to be reckoned and dealt with alone. People have told me I am cruel and being unfair. Many others have told me I should have left long ago.

I am torn. I am supposed o be getting married this coming September, the weekend of our 12th anniversary as a couple to the man I have loved unconditionally for all of my adult life and beyond. This should be the most happiest time of my life- and yet it's riddled with guilt, panic and confusion.

I need counselling, and will be seeking it out. he has even offered to go with me. In fact, says we NEED to go together to deal with this. So I think I will do just that. I will find us counselling. And I will go alone too. And I will pray for guidance and divine intervention.

But for right now, I struggle every morning not knowing what the day will bring. Not knowing which way my mood will swing. Not knowing where my love will take me.

I don't know if it's too late for us or not- but I hope to find out. And I can only hope and pray that no matter what any clarity brings me- that I have the strength and the courage to deal with it.

One day at a time for me right now... that's all I can ask for.

Thanks for tuning in...

Simply,

Sara