Turns out that Shawn kind of had the same idea. He too was cancelled. (He�s working in another plant now due to one of the mechanics being off on med leave) And we spent the entire night and into the wee hours of the morning chatting about our relationship and all that has become of it, what it�s been lacking and how we each feel about everything. It was a no holds barred night. We were both very open and painfully honest right down to me telling him that he�s down right lazy and that his personal hygiene regimen is lacking and leaves me quite turned off most of the time. I was able to say things that before, I didn�t feel that I could. I knew they were blunt and hurtful things. But I couldn�t help thinking them and feeling the way I do. He wanted honest- he got it.

I was also in for a rude awakening. He too, was honest. Leaving me to wonder how much thought I have bothered to put into the fact that he too has been affected drastically by this surgery. I never really thought about it before much at all really- but when I went ahead and had my gastric bypass surgery, all the things that stemmed from it- the changes in me mentally, physically and emotionally, not only affected me. But they affected Shawn too. He has had to deal with the fact that I almost died, that I got quite ill, then much better. Which triggered a drastic change in my moods and emotions as my physical appearance went from that of the proverbial (I love that word!) ugly duckling and started morphing me into the beautiful Swan. And because of that, guys had started taking notice of me, of my body. And because of that- I experimented with being extra flirtatious and what not. And beings that we work together and all, he had to watch it all. He had to see me getting frisky more so than ever before, and yet- as much as it had bothered him, he refrained 99% of the time from saying a single word about it.

I never thought much about that. And as we discussed it recently, he rehashed it all for me. All that he has gone through. All of the changes within me emotionally. The physical ones, though he�s happy about them for me, matter nothing to him. He�s glad for my health and he leaves it at that. Sometimes I think he�d rather have me back the way I was before all of this. I imagine it was far less scarier and a much more stable, secure place to be for him. I never thought about how he had to hold me through the emotional wars I�ve waged. I never thought about all the things he gave up to nurse me back to health over the months. All the time, energy and love he invested in me more so in the past 7 months than ever before. And I never thought about the fact that as I flirted openly with other men, that he would see it all and wonder where we had gone. Because it used to be him I laughed, flirted and got playful with. And one day, it just stopped being him.

I never gave much thought to the fact that because of his fear of losing me, he threw all caution to the wind and professed his undying, unwavering love to me. How he went against everything he believed in to tell me exactly how he felt, why he hadn�t been able to love me openly as I had desperately wanted him to do. I never gave much thought to the fact that he too, was afraid of rejection. Of giving his heart and soul to another person to have it stomped on. And believe me, I am not an innocent here. I have stomped on it unintentionally in moments of fighting and my own need to lash out. I am not proud of that, but it�s true.

So this weekend, we unwound. We expressed our emotional needs and thoughts. We told each other everything we�ve been thinking and feeling. And although it�s far from being �all better,� we�re off to a good start. I still don�t know what�s going to happen. But I have high hops for once. High hopes!

The rest of this weekend has been spent working around the house, running errands, going on dates, making love and enjoying the down time. Bryan came over last night and I made us tacos, apple crisp and double chocolate cookies for the guys. They played video games and poured on their machismo tongue lashings much to my amusement. Then we all watched a chick flick together. (Bry�s suggestion- imagine that) After the movie, he left and I went to bed for the first time in a long time, with a smile.

Today has been a lazy day. A much needed one at that! I cooked beef tips over noodles for lunch, finished the laundry, picked up a bit and then Shawn and his brother left to go computer shopping. So I snuggled up with a book, watched some television shows off TiVo and was fortunate enough that Mick called me and we had ourselves a long heart to heart chat for the first time in forever. (My fault- I�m terrible at keeping in touch. Sorry, Mick)

So that�s my weekend in a nutshell. Thanks for tuning in�

Simply,

Sara