It�s been awhile, I know. I won�t even bother to apologize. I want you all to believe me when I say this- It�s probably better for all of us that I didn�t update. The past couple of weeks have been an emotional mine field where everyone around me and even I myself have had to tiptoe around my all too fragile emotional moments and mood swings. I have cried rivers that the Mississippi would balk at. I have felt more rage than a Baptist minister at a rock concert. I have felt more misery than someone who had just lost their best friend. And I have felt more alone than� well, more alone than I would ever wish my worst enemy to ever have to endure. And then there�s the fear that had almost consumed me. One that introduced grief to me in a whole new way. And I couldn�t update. I couldn�t let anyone in because I couldn�t explain what I was going through to myself, let alone anyone on the outside looking in.

It all started a couple weeks ago. My surgeon sent me to a clinic where I was to see another doctor, one of internal medicine who would run a battery of tests and make sure once and for all that I was indeed healthy and ready for the bypass surgery. I wasn�t too fond of the doctor or his nurse from the get-go. Well, I actually liked the nurse. She was sweet enough- just a ditz. And the doctor, he went from warm to cold so often and so gracefully that I was left feeling rather uncomfortable. His bedside manor needed much work. And then, as if I haven�t already got enough on my mind, he tells me that my insurance might not cover this visit. And should that happen, I would be obligated to pay for the visit. (Duh!) And that ignoring his billing people is not cool. Like he already had me pegged for a non-payer. I wanted to scream and choke him. And he made me cry. That is the worst sin of all in my book.

Anyways, they did some X-rays there, ran a shitload of blood work. (I was surprised I had enough to still function when I was done) They did some poking, prodding, checked my vitals- the whole nine yards and then some really. And then a couple of days later, the nurse calls me. At work! At work mind you� and tells me I have an elevated liver and they�re going to see if they can�t test my blood for hepatitis. And that I did test positive for H. Pylori some sort of bacteria living (for years apparently) in my stomach unnoticed. But she didn�t want me to worry, mind you. The hepatotis part- that scared the bejeezus out of me. I used to work in the health care industry, so I know what it can do. And the H.P.? I looked that up on-line. It's a bacteria that lives in your belly and eventually can cause peptic ulcers and what have you. Umm, no thank you!

How the fuck could I not worry?!

I spent the better part of a week bawling. Taking my anger and fear out on Shawn and myself. I had all I could do to still function enough to just get through the days. I had to fight with the pharmacy who said they didn�t get the fax for my scripts, then they got it but forgot to fill it. Then they had to order it. Ugh! Finally, I get a phone call. I tested negative for hepatitis. I swear to goodness the heavens opened and a bright light emerged followed by an angelic chorus of: �Hallelujah!� So I was tickled pink with that good news. I could finally stop kicking myself in the ass for turning down the Hep vaccinations. (Stupid, stupid me!)

And then today, I finally got the meds I have been waiting on to treat the bacteria in my belly. I get to work, open the pill box� (14 packets with 8 pills each valued at $312.99- thank God for insurance). Each day you grab a packet and take all 8 pills. Umm� apparently, my doctor AND the pharmacy were in cahoots to KILL me. I look at the pills and 4 of the 8 pills are amoxicillan, to which I am deathly allergic! Imagine that.

I called Mary Kay (my guardian angel in the flesh these days), my surgeon�s nurse who handles all of us bariatric patients. She straightened the mess out and got me to smile. But only briefly because she did tell me I would have to go in to the office 10 days after the meds were done and have a scope done. AHHHHHHHHH.

So I used to think I was the healthiest fat person I knew. See what I get for thinking?! Oh my�

But with my emotions being all whigged out right now, I did actually go against everything I believe in and make an appointment with a psychologist. I had to do something. Because if I don�t, Shawn won�t be around much longer. Our relationship is strained more now than it ever has been in the 10 years we�ve been together. I think it�s a combination of us both quitting smoking, my fears and anxieties and his inability to emote feelings and listen to me the way I expect him to.

It�s been crazy to say the least. But at least now I am at a point where I can talk about it. I can now admit what�s been going on. And I think that in doing that, I can now start to work at fixing the root to all of my negativities and quit being such a cunt. (And I really have been!) I had finally just gotten to a place where I was happy and all was right� and now it�s all been flipped upside down.

Have mercy!

Simply,

Sara

P.S. So if I don�t write right now, know that I am not neglecting to and I haven�t forgotten� I just don�t want to put that scary and insane shit here. I don�t want it anywhere really.

P.P.S.S. Pray for me???

P.P.P.S.S.S. PLEASE!!! Go get your Hepatitis vaccinations... that's one disease you can protect yourself and you don;t want to mess with by not doing it. Run! Run, I say!