At least one gazillion times a day (And that's a lot!) I have thought about choking Shawn. Twice that many times I ahve thought about leaving him. And three times that, I have spent banging my head against walls, doors and anything I can wondering why the hell this is happening?!

Everything he says sounds bitchy. he constantly sounds like he's snapping at me. Which makes me snap right back. He's left me standing in the store, hung up on me and threatened to beat me. And then he did the ultimate... he called me a cunt. Oh yes, you read it right. That's what he said. Now mind you, I most likely was being one. As I have said, I've been being pretty bitchy. But damn! I've been biting my tongue a LOT! No more!

I have called our relationship into question a lot lately. Many people have been. People I don't even know have been! I was at the doc's office for a boat load of pre-op tests and one lady tells me I have a nice wedding ring. i tell her oh no, not married. That's just my ring. i wear it because my guy and I have been together over 10 years now. (Mind you, Im all proud about it and all) She's like... oooh my. 10 years? You're still in there? You must really love him. I'd have been gone long ago. Why are you still with him?!

My answer? I don't have one! I've thought of several though. Like, 'Because I'm an idiot.' Or 'Because he shoots sparks out of his ass when he comes and it's a real pretty display.' How the fuck do you answer that?

I honestly didn't think over 10 years ago when we first got together that it would last. We started out best friends- turned fuck buddies -turned... us. And I surely didn't think that if we did make it we'd ever see a 10th anniversary. And if you had asked me then would I have bothered to stick around waiting for the love of my love to propose 10 years later I'd have laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well... here I am damn it. Only- I'm not laughing.

And to make matters worse, the men at work thing it's just fucking ducky. One of the engineers brags for Shawn to everyone about our relatinship.(Even if I am standing right there!) He tells Shawn that he's his idol. Well isn;t that just fucking cute. And Shawn thinks it's just awesome. he grins ear to ear and puffs out his chest like a prize winning cock. Oh... he's a cock all right....

And then tonight, we get the mail after work as usual and there's a card. I get all excited til I see it's from an old high school pal of ours who went intot he air force right out of high school and ended up in Wyoming of all places. It's got a woman's name on it too. I got four when I put two and two together.

I was right. It was a wedding invite. June 19th our 2nd to last high school friend who wasn't married will be married. (The last one I informed Shawn doesn't count cuz he'll never get married!) And if that isn't depressing enough, we got the invite with only a month before the wedding. It's 1,038 miles between us and the city the weddign will be in. And Shawn won;t drive that far. So guess what? We're gonna miss it. Ugh!

I keep thinking to myself that I've waited patiently (for the most part) for him to "be ready" to marry me for over 10 years. 10 years and 8 months to be somewhat exact. Am I willing to wait another 10 years? Each of my personalities has their say.

The selfish side says, 'hell no!' The optimistic me says that he'll come around. the pessimistic side says no, he won't. Not ever. Get out. The lover in me tells me to hold on and fight with all I've got.

I'm trying to fight. But I can honestly say I am runnign otu of steam. I think each day that goes by and he scoffs when I brong it up or laughs when someone brags him up for it- a part of me dies. How dead will I ahve to be when I finally reach my "enough" point?

I don't know. I just don't know. I mean, I love the man with every fiber of my heart and soul. He is my alpha and my omega. So a part of me says that if I love him so much, it shouldn't be hurtful or hard to wait until he is ready. But another part of me says when does he stop worrying about what he wants and take into consideration what I want and my dreams. And then the part that scares me the most is wondering how come after 10 plus years... he still isn't ready? And wonders still after this long that if he isn't ready by now, will he ever be?

Any input out there?

Simply,

Sara