Shawn�s cousin Rich and his girlfriend came up for another of the cousin�s 40th birthday party. They have a pull-behind trailer camper that they parked in our drive to stay in. Well, we had to work Saturday, so they went to the party with the other family� and Shawn and I went to work. When we got home, there was a message waiting for us to call them at Shawn�s Mom�s house to let them know when we arrived.

So I called. And they came over. We sat around talking for awhile and then Shane (Shawn�s brother) had built a fire so we all (Shawn and I, Rich and Penny, my brother Adam, Shane, Samantha [Shawn�s sister] and her girlfriend Nicol ) went outside to enjoy the bon fire. I only had 3 Smirnoff�s- but we decided to crack over my 5th of mescal Tequila. A gift to me from a friend, it�s Tequila brought back from Mexico.

I made everyone do a shot of Tequila- which really tasted horrible when I tried it. But before long, I wasn�t tasting it anymore. All I knew was that it was going down so smooth� and not long later, so was I. I somehow managed to go from completely coherent to staggering about totally oblivious to what was going on around me. Normally, with me- there�s a point I reach. Kind of like the proverbial line in the sand, the point of no return. And I am usually cognizant enough to make the decision on whether or not I should let go and get sloshed, or slow it down and maintain the buzz. And I almost always opt to maintain a buzz. Saturday night, there was no line in the sand, no conscious decision to get sloshed or not. I just was.

I even had black out points. Points where I remember bits and pieces, and then nothing at all for quite some time. I have never had black out points. Until now. I remember I was quite funny. Well, everyone was laughing. I remember talking to Rich and going to grab him to steady myself and then knocking us both to the ground. He was able to stand again- I was not. So I laid there bitching that I needed a beer, that I had �cotton mouth�, and yet- I couldn�t stand. I was growing rather pissed at the whole situation. (Y'all know how irritating cottonmouth is don't you?) Next thing I know, my brother Adam is standing above me pouring some of his beer all over my face asking me if �that�s better?� What a jack ass.

I finally made it up off of the ground just as Rich and penny were off to bed. All the alcohol to be had, had been had. And so I resorted to staggering into the house and passing out. I woke up at noon the next day puking my guts out. And before long, I was on the toilet emptying myself from not one, but yes, both ends. I�m sure I made quite a sight. After that, I couldn�t do anything but lie still or my stomach would have me in fits of dry heaves. And if you�ve ever had them- you know to avoid them at any cost.

So that was my drunk. One I hope to never be stupid enough to repeat. Sure, it�s great to get drunk, cut loose and just be. But there�s a point where ya get too far-gone, that when ya reach it- you�re lucky to remember anything at all. I don�t see the point in getting to that extreme. Not for me.

Hell, I�m loopy enough without being drunk.

Lately, I�ve been a real bitch. Oh yes, a real, true, 100% BITCH. I�m on my second day of my smoking cessation.

Now, I will admit, that last night, just before bed, I did have one cigarette. But only one. And I am thinking that if I can limit myself to no more than 5 a day, I can be happy with that. But- I wanna try my damnedest to quit without any cigarettes at all. The only bad thing, is the moodiness. It doesn�t take anything at all to make me snap anymore. Look at me and I�m screaming. Smile at me and I�m lugging a hunk of iron towards you. Leave me alone, and I�m off in a corner crying because I�m miserable. So much so that I can�t stand myself. I know it�s because I gave up the cigarettes. And everyone around me knows it. But that doesn�t excuse it, doesn�t make it right. So I�m avoiding people. Trying to concentrate on keeping my mouth shut and my body parts along with anything I may be holding to myself. So far, I�m doing okay. I only stabbed myself once. No worries, it was with a pen. And I was using it to occupy my hands, sliding it in and out of the cap. I missed. Heh. That�s my luck for you.

Other than that� all is well. As well as can be minus the cigarettes� which if ya ask me, isn�t very well at all. But I�m alive� barely. and I haven�t killed anyone- yet.

And I haven�t given up hope�

There�s always tomorrow� and a store close by with my Marlboro Ultra Lights menthols in a box, please�

Simply,

Sara