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Well, I had my Physical Thursday. The much dreaded one. And I had nightmares of pap smears gone wrong the night before. I wasn't far off the mark. It's kind of funny, I mean- I KNOW the doctor does this on a regular basis, so he is pretty comfortable with these issues. I, however, am not in any way. It's not something I think I can ever get used to.

So I get there, 25 minutes late. I overslept a wee bit, and theres no way that I am walking into this without a nice ht shower. The lady at the door was a bit rude about me being late. But hey, I'm a workin, simmin woman. Sleep is hard to come by these days.

So when I am finally seen, the burse puts me on the scale. The nerve! I swear. I lost 8.5 pounds tho, so I'm not holding it against her. Then she measures me. I shrunk an inch. She thought it was 2, but I managed to stand straight enough even in my caffiene deficiency to get another half inch up there... but where'd that inch go? The doc assured me that woman start shrinking around 30 years. I reminded him I had 3 years to go... and an inch? My body has never been early at anything. hell, I didn't hit peuberty until I was almost 15. Have I no physical luck? Yech.

Then they take me into the room with the special table. the stirrups taunting me. I go thru an hour of questions regarding my health. My blood pressure was normal versus the usual low. So taht was good. Everything else sounded fine. Then it came, the moment when they leave you to strip down to your birthday suit and open your legs exposing God's gift to those who need not see it.

I got up on the table and tried to imagine myself somewhere calm and serene. That wasn't happening. The doctor gets out the "Quacker" yanno, that lil plastic doohickey to open ya up like a damn cave? I was intrigued to see him plug a light into it.

"The better to see into you," he said. I asked him if he thought I was a drive in Theatre. He arched a brow and started the process. He kept opening me wider and saying, "One more sweep, oops, one more... wait, lemme try this once more..."

I was getting a bit irritated. I informed him that my vagina was NOT! a lion's mouth, and no he could NOT! stick his head in. He chuckled nervously, unused to my humor.

Then he had the gall to ask me if it was possible to have me relax. I looked down at him between my wishboned legs right into his eyes, then to my exposed body, and back at him. I shook my head. I told him, "That's not gonna happen." And I laid back. In his attempt yet again to make me more at ease, he told me I smelled nice.

::chokes on her laughter:: I told him that was a much appreciated compliment considering his head was not but 3 inches from my womanhood. The nurse all but fell to the ground in her hysterical laughter. The doc turned red, then pale and all he could mutter was, oh my... Oh my, indeed.

He went back to try to do whatever it is a doctor does with you open to the world and that q-tip like device. But my body was not cooperating. Finally he gave up. I cheered. He told me we'd have to reschedule and use his other office with the larger "quacker" and the roatating table. I was all to happy to agree that was best.

Then he looked at me in a funny way and said, "You will be coming back, right?"

Suuuuuuuuuure, I assure him. No problemo. Heh. I might. More likely I won't. Maybe I'll try to get inot my OB-GYN. He's better at it. he doesn't need fancy tables and econo sized duck billed doohickeys. And maybe, I'll just pray all is well and wait another year. I mean, I did go in like a good woman. I did get into the stirrups and do everything as I'm supposed to. So what if he didn't? Can I help it Dr. Quack failed?!

Like you wanted to know all this right? And to think men all bitch about the turn their head and cough thing like it's some big ordeal. Sheesh. Let them get a pap smear and see if they still think it's so terrible.

Egads. Being a woman isn't easy. But I like to think tghat God makes us go through all these "tortures" because he knows what sissies men can be, and that He knows they couldn't ever make it a day in our shoes. We are women. We are strong. We are more than a fashion accessory to men....

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Work has been a bit crazy lately. Nothing has been running well and more often than not, my machines are down. But I take it in stride for the most part and am still abel to laugh and joke with the crew. But a lot of bad stuff has been happening. the shit has really hit the fan at work. And in lieu of my recent altercations with the affected parties, I have been doing my damnedest to steer clear of the whole mess. I think this mushroom cloud might take a while to clear out, 'til then I'm keeping to myself and praying I don't get dragged into the middle. That would suck. I have thus far had no part in it, and would like to keep it that way.

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Work has been prepping us all to stop smoking. Starting the 15th, there will be no more smoking at machines or on the floor. We will only be allowed to smoke in designated areas and only at breaks and lunch.

Anyone know where I can get some kevlar vests and riot gear? This is so not going to be cool. I know what these people are like when they can smoke. That's bad enough. But take away their addiction, myself included, and there's gonna be some ugliness. It's gonna get down right nasty. I am almost willing to bet someone will go postal in the first week. Hell, it may even be me. Ugh.

The higherf ups there are setting up support group sessions, 8 in all, for those who signed up, to quit smoking. Led by someone from the American Heart and Lung assoc. There is no fee if you attend every single meeting. However if ya skip or drop up, you get socked a $55.00 fee. I need more than a support group.

I'll take a sawed off 12 gauge, a kevlar vest, an artillary supply of ammo, a years worth of Prozac, some nicotiene patches, chewing gum and 43 super supreme pizzas with extra cheese, please. And that's just what it'd take for me. Add my 349 other co-workers and shit starts looking pretty bad yanno?

The other alternative is a smoking cessation hypnosis. I signed Shawn and I up. Renne signed up too. This is gonna be interesting to say the least. Renne is gonna see if she can brobe the guy into getting her to stop biting her nails. I'm all for that too! Provided it works.

Shawn says he's gonna see if he can;t get the person to work on me a bit. Fix my flaws. I'm scared. I think I'd like him as close as China when I'm being hypnotised. My luck, he'll be there and I'll spontaneously start running around the shop naked with a rubber glove stuck to my head running about screaming, "Look at me, Y'all, I'm a chicken!" Umm, no thanks.

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My niece Cassidy'd b-day is next Friday. We're supposed to go down there for her party. I promised we would. The boss now says he's not so sure he can give me the time off, and finances aren't so good. I'm in a major dileemma right now. For one, the timing is bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. On the other hand, I face my sister's wrath and a niece who thinks her Aunt is a pile of shit. I just hope and pray we can make it.

Well folks, enjoy the new spread. I ahve GOT to head off to shower and sleep. I'm working today. Gotta love working Saturday's... Not.

But before I go... a quick 5 for Friday since it's the HIP D'land thing to do I'm told.

1) If you could do anything without any consequences or obstacles, what would you do?

Hmm, I have always wanted to open a ranch for developmentally and/or physically challenged children and adults. One where handicap accesible was not an issue. One with horses and a swimming hole, a mess hall and a real ranchy atmosphere where these people who normally didn't have a place to go and just be, could do so. I have worked in homes that helped people with such challenges and there just isn't anything like that around here. I'd like them to get out and be able to meet other people like them. To ahve a place to escape to where they aren't a "freak" as some would deem them. That is my ultimate goal.

2)If you could do anything career wise without any obstacles, what would you do?

I'd like to be like Oprah. I'd like to be able to channel my gift to gab, my writing skills and have all the resources to reach out, and to help others. The gazillion bucks wouldn;t hurt either.

3) If you were to come back reincarnated, what would you be and why?

A dolphin. They are beautiful, graceful, intelligent... and the only other species to have sex for pleasure. That or a female pig. They have 30 minute orgasms.

4) What is the wackiest thought you've had today?

That's easy. I was thinking that at work we have smoke breaks, coffe breaks, lunch breaks. Why not give us sex breaks. Ya know? Ones where we could adjourn with a partner or two (if that's what tickles your fancy) and have a quickie. Then everyone could go back to work all happy and all. Weee.

5) What's one thing you haven't experienced, seen or done and would like to?

Laugh if ya want to I don't care... My answer? An uncircumsized penis. I finally saw a picture of one. Interesting...

Night D'land! Walk with angels!

Simply,

Sara