Pissed.

Anyhow, lemme update you before I go spilling my guts again. To those who have been sending well wishes and inquiring on my health, thanks. I am not quite 100% yet. But I'm getting there, slowly. I go in for a physical and labs Thursday so hopefully we'll get to the bottom of my mysterious illness.

I still haven't any strength and cant seem to catch my breath. But I can carry on a normalicy to a degree so I'm happy. I'll take what good health I can get at this point.

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Lately, as I have been lying about trying to get my body back into it's groove, I have had a lot of time to think about everything and anything. And more often than not, my thoguhts turn to love. And babies. And marriage.

This month especially. The 22nd marks my 10th anniversary in my relationship with Shawn. And still, no wedding, no babies.

I have come to terms, or so I thought, about not having babies. We went thru the fertility thing for awhile and all that did was make 2 very over sexed, unhappy campers who were about to maim and kill one another. Now don;t get me wrong- I loves me my sex. But when ya go about it on a routine, when the temperature is right or when this or that is happening, and you don't let nature put the who-do in you sexual voodoo... it gets to be.... well, not so fun. So we put that on hold for awhile. And we decided to leave the fate of my eggs, my womb and his little fishies in the hands of God and let him make the calls on that matter.

now, we're both ready to give God a bit of a nudge again. I won't get my hopes up. And i have long since stopped planning baby names and the nursery. But in itself, it's a dream I still hold tight to... secretly.

As for the marriage, I keep asking Shawn about it much to his chagrin. And my dismay at the way he handles it. I've gotten to hear that it's not a good investment. (Well pardon me Mr. Portfolio!) That we're broke (for this, I would give up regular everday shopping- honest!) That he's not ready (umm, 10 years later?!) Yadda, yadda, yadda...

Last night, I put all bitterness aside in hopes of a cuddle session with Shawn. And if it lead to a religous revival for 2, I was game. So I signed off line, showered, got myself smellin yummy and went to bed to read. I fell asleep, he stayed on line.

Grrrrrrrrrr.

Then he came in and woke me up with kisses. He massaged my back. And we TALKED! Pillow talk anyways. We spoke our love for one another, then one thing led to another... and there I was... screaming religion.

Amen! and Hallelujah!

And then we slept.

Last ngiht, was the first night in a LONG, LONG time the butterflies came back. You know the ones you get in the pit of your belly when someone you love and lust for does something just right?

The way he kissed me breathed life into those long lost butterflies... and it was so nice. I woke up with a smile and a new hope in 'us.'

And then... he opened his mouth. Ugh.

Tonight, as I attempted to talk about love and us, I aske dhim if he ever at some point got the butterflies. He got mad. Yes, mad! He said he's NOT a girl. He wouldn't know.

Well, what the fuck. Men can't get that warm fuzzy fgeeling and the little flip flop in the belly that feels like a small fleet of butterflies fluttering about deep in their bellies?

Is this just a girl thing? And if so, do men not have some sort of equivalent?

Regardles, he knew where the conversation was going. And he wasn't having it. We got into a heated argument and I sulked all the way home.

And all the wya home I thought about 'us'. The us we once were. The couple who laughed and talked and had not a care int he world. Now, the us we are who talks only about work or piddly stuff. The couple who seems to have lost the luster and their laughter.

We are exact opposites. Once, years ago, I told people when they said we would never work that they were wrong. That opposites do attract. And that us being opposites only made things better. We complimented each other. And that we had a love strong enough to carry us through.

Now I wonder if that's true. I got to thinking how I used to belive that love could move mountains and conquer over anything. Now, I'm starting to wonder after a few years, when love tackles the mountains and moves it a few miles... whether or not it too gets fed up and says Nuff's enuff. And how hard a fight it can put up when people like me put everything into it and yet still don't understand it after all this time.

Right now, I just want to pull the plug on his flipping computer, wrap my fat hands around his fat neck and choke him for all he's worth.

Or pull the plug on his 'puter and handcuff him to the table and make him listen to me pour my heart out.

But what good would that do? He;s the one content with how things are. I'm the freak in this romance.

I'm the one who wants tghe white wedding, the back yard BBQ wedding reception with family and friends. The one who wants more than anything to have her Daddy walk her down that prverbial aisle and give her away to the man who pledges to stand beside her for the rest of his life- for better or for worse.

And him? He just hopes for mashed poatoes with every meal, clean clothes for work and a blow job once in awhile.

Please, someone shoot me. Take me out to pasture and put me down!

In my next life, I wanna be a man. But just my luck- I'd be gay.

Wouldn't that just be ducky.

Okay, I'm done whining,typo therapy complete...for now.

Simply,

Sara