I am at a loss...

Tonight, I truly am at a loss. A loss for lack of words, lack of power, lack of know how... lack of everything. I am of out sorts. This is not something that I am able to easily deal with. So I am frustrated. By far.

My friend Tara is going through a bitter ordeal of her roommate as deemed in my most recent entries of past as Psycho Bitch. No other two words, to me, describe her better. But, as much of one as she is, she and Tara shared a home together for 5 years. Worked together for probably 4 of those years. And as bitter as things are now, they haven't always been. Quite the contrary actually.

So I am worried about Tara. And that seems to be ALL I can do for her. Well, that and listen. But I feel so helpless. The one emotion I do not deal well with. No amount of my humor, hugs, conversations or anything of the sort seem to cheer her for more than a mere 2 seconds. I wish I could take her pain and her loneliness into me so it did not consume her as it has. Unfortunately, I can not. And so, I am at a loss.

I try to imagine what she must be going through to have to go home to a now empty house. I think on one hand she probably rejoices at knowing she can sleep better without fear of being awakened in the night by P.B. or attacked. No more fighting, pure freedom!

And then I think of how she no longer has no one to go home to. Pure emptiness. The financial strain. The problem P.B. has caused her. She just found tonight that P.B. took some things from her safe that let's just say were... well... for lack of better terms, personal. Not something you want another person to have possession of being as they belong to you and no one else. P.B. literally stole them from her safe. And she also never returned the key- not that she hadn't already planned to change her locks.

Any break up is hard. Lord knows, it's soul wrenching. But when you have to sit on the sidelines and try to pull a friend through one of the most trying times in their life, and you don't know how to act, what to say or even what to do... it's maddening.

Tara called me at work tonight as I stayed over to do some paperwork. She was bawling and needed to talk. So we did. And I wanted to cry with her. Then I had to hang up, and did so with the promise of calling her back. But when I got home and after taking care of what needed tending to before I could call, when I finally did call, no answer. I hope she found a way to sleep. And to sleep sound, dreamless, peaceful sleep.

I wonder if I am failing her as a friend. And that bothers me. Am I not being there for her when she needs me most. Terrible thoughts of why she might not have answered cross through my head and I want so badly to jump into the truck for the 1/2 hour drive just to know she's okay. But I don't want to wake her if she has fallen asleep. My only comfort right now is that her sister is still there for the rest of this week.

So my prayers are with Tara tonight, full force.

And as Shawn and I drove home tonight, we started talking about Tara�s situation as it had been weighing on my mind. And then somehow, that conversation turned around on me, and we started applying different things to our relationship and us. We�ve been having a lot of heart to heart chats lately. And I am growing quite fond of them, mind you. It�s conversations such as these that we go into a �No-holds-barred� type conversation where we only speak truth, sometimes, very painful truths, but appreciated nonetheless.

Tonight turned out to be no exception. We talked very seriously about our relationship. About what sex is to men, versus what it is to women. He again explained to me, that if women thought of sex as men do, there�d be a whole lot of fuckin� going on. And maybe he�s right. To men, a fuck is a fuck is a fuck. To women, it�s much, much more. And he�s right.

This is pretty personal but what good is a diary if you hold back. On line or not. So, readers who might read this, be damned. Here it comes�

Shawn has, like just about every other man in life, toyed with the fantasy of being with 2 women. And lately, I have almost been willing to indulge that fantasy. You see, I know that were we to share the rest of our lifetimes together, he could never stay 100% faithful to me. It�s nothing he has said, but something I expect. I�m being honest to myself. I am the only woman he has ever been with intimately. I know he is going to have urges, curiosities, etc. And after hearing for the past few weeks about how he, as a man, views sex outside of a relationship, without him knowing, I have been storing that info and slowly processing it. It is a comfort to me to know that sex is nothing more than sex to him outside of us. So were I to say, let�s try this fantasy, I can honestly trust in the fact that the other woman we chose would be nothing more than a fuck. (Crude as that sounds)

Now, I don�t know that I personally could sleep with her. Not that I haven�t had curiosities of my own. I have. And I�m being honest here. Ad I don�t care what other people think or if they judge. I am by nature, curious. I�m big enough to admit that. But on the same hand, I also find that some fantasies are best left as just that- fantasies. But I think now that maybe I am open to the possibility. But I also told him that should we ever invite another women into our realm, that there would definitely be ground rules. And by no means, does my willingness to discuss and to entertain this fantasy mean he can be with another woman on his own without my knowledge or consent. Nor does it mean on any given night that he can bring some woman home and expect me to say, �Sure, let�s get our Freaky-Diki on.� And I can say honestly, that he will respect that.

We also talked about our issues with my weight. I think anyone who reads this diary probably knows, but for those who don�t, I am a �Queen Sized Woman� as someone once put it. And I don�t mean that mildly. I am 5� 10 or 11� tall, and weigh in at just less than 360 pounds. I can�t blame it all on my big boned structure. I am, but even I am not ignorant to my DNA. I am fat. I am a self-proclaimed heifer. And, I am 100% okay with that. Or more honestly, WAS okay with that. I am now ready to start the grueling process of losing weight. But long ago, I promised that before I even bothered, that I would make damn sure I was losing the weight for none other than Me, Myself and I. And I am ready to do that now. Thick or thin, I can now freely love myself. And it is because I have found an appreciation and a love for myself that I am able to say, �All right, Sara Girl. I�m tired of being fat. It�s not going to be a walk in the park. But damn it, let�s get thin.� And in no way am I disillusioned to thinking that I will ever be a size 3 or any form closely resembling that.

But I don�t have to be fat.

So I have set a goal for myself. A realistic one. I have promised myself to diet but not diet. My plan is to eat healthy, but to not starve. And if I get a maddening craving for something unhealthy, then I will indulge. Just not engorge. I have promised myself to exercise no matter how tiring, time consuming or trying. As I know no diet alone will help me without exercise. And to not lose myself in becoming a thinner person. My goal is to get down to 250 pounds. Not exactly skinny- but skinnier, healthier and happier. To me, THAT is my reality. Take it or leave it�

And I am taking it all. Greedy fool that I opt to be!

So, tonight, I am saying lots of prayers. Dreaming �thinner dreams�. And knowing that no matter what, deep down, I am me.

As for the other mundane points in life, I am only a few days at most from being able to take a loan out on my 401k. Enough to pay off my mechanic and get my car out of his shop and back in my driveway. It looks like I may have to work this Saturday again. Which I don�t know how to feel about. I was supposed to be going with Tara up north for a get together with her family. But I do need the money badly. And then there�s so much work I need to do around the house. And we still haven�t heard back from the place we put our application for house financing in at. I wish I knew if no news was in our case good news.

So this is me. Raw and uncensored.

Simply,

Sara