I was having this dream, I must have been only half into a deep sleep, because amidst the dream (I will tell it shortly) I heard Shawn ask, "What time is it." I knew it right then. We overslept for work and lost our jobs. I rolled over quick and checked the clock. 11:44 a.m. I scolded him for scaring the bejeesus outta me and ruining my sleep. But we both relented, it WAS the first time he had waken before me and I was still in bed.

I had an odd dream. At least to me. I wonder what underlying tale my subconscious is telling me?!

I dreamt that I had decided I wanted a fresh start. One where my in-laws-to-maybe-one-day-be (IF Shawn ever gets off his ass and realizes he should have proposed YEARS ago) could not drive me to the brink of insanity and beyond. I had told Shawn It was time for me to move on. I remember how bad it hurt, but also the desperation to move on.

I called my friend Ange. (AlwaysAnge for any potential diary readers... her is great!) And she and I talked for an eternity. And she said she knew just what I needed. She talked me into packing all of my stuff into a UHaul truck. She flew here to Michigan to help me pack and drive one of the vehicles. When we were all loaded up, I drove the truck, and she drove my car. And then, we headed out west. Towards Montana, smiles on our faces and the potential for an exciting journey. Not to mention a whole new set of doors opening for me. She decided I could work for her, and sleep in her guest room until I got a place to go or until we drove one another nuts. And just like that, we were off.

I remember feeling so full of hope. So exhilerated and how FREE! I felt. A feeling I ahve not ever really known. I lived with my Dad and siblings until just before my 21st birthday, then moved in with Shawn. I ahve never been single. Never lived on my own. Never took the time to be carefree and experimentive. I went from a year and a half serious relationship, directly (And I do mean directly) into the one I have had with Shawn for what will be 9 years in September.

I don't want to imply in any way that I don't love Shawn. He IS my soul mate if ever there was one. He has been my best friend since long before we took the step from being friends, to becoming lovers. Since I was 6 years old, except for the year and a half I spent with my huge mistake (Lee was his name.), Shawn has been a very pivotal person in my life. To be honest, I know no other life than the one I know with Shawn. I know no other Sara, than the Sara that I have become with Shawn. And I can;t fathom a life without him. But sometimes, when things get bad, and my "funks" (my word for my spells of depression) take over... I lie awake at night and dare to dream of a point where I can just be. Without worrying what effect my actions or reactions will have on Shawn. To go out and do all of the things I want and not worry about what Shawn will do or how he will react. And even, though this may sound raunchy, to go out, meet John Doe, drive him to the brink of passion, leave and enjoy the sin of casual sex.

But if I did, would I really be happy? Would I become a better person? Or would I hate myself in the mornings to follow? As someone once said, is it not that some fantasies are best left unexplored???

****************************************

Work went all right. There were no major catastrophies. And I must admit, the temperature was just right and everyone seemed to be in great moods. I had to leave at 6 p.m. to go to see Dr. Vann. Although I don't think his heart was in it. We started talking like we normally do, and as I told him of some of my self revelations from reading the Self Matters book, I looked over at him to find him slumped in his chair, his eyes only half open and a weary look on his face. He was definately tired. I can relate to that. But not when I am shelling out $130 for an hour of his time. After that, my heart wasn't really in it and we ended our session early.

After I left his opffice, I shot over to Wal-Mart instead of heading straight to work. They're having a HUGE sc hool supply sale. I am a HUGE fan of school supplies. I love them. I am an avid pen collector. And one of those people who is always sneaking off with office supplies. My bosses all hold their pens tight and keep a close eye on me. Hehe. When I was little, I love pretending to be a secretary. I probably still would love the job, but the pay is about as bad as food stamps for most of them. They are grossly under paid. I spent more than I should have. I not only bought stuffs for myself, but for Shane (shawn's little bro) and for Cassidy. I got her such cute Powerpuff (?) Girls things. She'll love me. Shawn's bro seemed rather greatful too. God, I love school season! Bring on the pens!

After work, we went to meijer's and bought some bug repellent for my garden. We found that these uglt little flat bug/beetle thingies had destroyed my zuchinni and the entire plant and had moved to my watermeloon and tomatoes. Ain't havin' it! We also grabbed some sticks and twisty ties to hold the tomato plants up. Then he snuck off and I spent 15 minutes chasing after him. Until he finally reappeared from an aisle. I guess his plan was to buy me the original Sims c.d., the one I lost the code to. But they didn;t carry it, only the expansions. What a sweetie. He knows how angry and frustrated I am getting. But I told him, I just KNEW I would get the needed e-mail tonight.

Got home, his Mom was on the phone with her niece. He told her I needed it, so I put all of my goodies away and heated some spaghetti O's and fixed a salad. She was still on the phone so I said something and waited. 15 minutes later, with no end to her conversation in sight... I abandoned my food and joined Shawn in the 'puter room, explaining my dilemma. So he hit the ISP connect button. It won't kill the phone connection, but it let her know I was done playing her game.

I open my mail. There it was. The e-mail I sent, returned. Unable to send. GRRRRR! Can there be any more flipping frustration???? RE-sent the email and played euchre on my puter while Ange's diary loaded. Read her diary and shared in her past. And here I am.

My food is now cold, well, the salad is s'posed to be. I am going to go reheat my spaghetti o's, settle down to eat, read a bit more into Self Matters... I am now thru my 10 defining moments and 7 critical choices... on to the 5 pivotal people. And I will have to call Sont tech support for their possible help in finding out why my TiVo went to shit. Hopefully, It won;t need servicing. ::crosses her fingers, toes, legs and arms::

Wish me luck... and friends, sleep with Angels tonight. There's a lot of frustration in us all. Find your angel, snuggle up tight, and relax.

Simply, (And I'm learning that's not so bad!)

Sara!