I rolled over and propped my head on a pillow. Chewy (Short for Chewbacca Lynn, my dog) settled into position beneath the covers at my feet. And I stared at the sleeping man lying next to me. A man, who for almost 10 years now, has been my life support system. I always swore growing up, that I would never be a dependant soul. I wanted to be free, make my own choices and do everything I did without worrying about someone else. That all changed when Shawn came into the picture. Drastically.

Every decision I make anymore, I make with him in mind. All of the things I do, I do with him in mind. My thoughts, are no longer my own, but they are more "our" thoughts. And my God, it's scaring me...

I have never really played the field so to speak. I never dated much outside for one loser that lasted a year and a half. But he went psycho on me, and I ran for the hills. My first real boyfriend happened along when I was 14. I fell head over heels in a New York minute. But after a month, I found out he was 19, and he found out I was 14. (The girl who had set us up did some fancy footwork when it came to the age thing). Needless to say, my step-dad found out, and I was left to nurse a broken heart.

I have heard time and time the saying: The 3rd time is a charm... and with Shawn, I'm not so sure. No one has ever really defined "charm." And when I got with Shawn, I was 17. I had dreams of married, kids, a house with a white picket fence... what girl doesn't. But at 17, I didn't think I would find it.And I would have sworn, that Shawn would never allow it to go beyond a fling.

Now here we are, almost 10 years later. We've got a LOT invested in each other. I wasn't fool enough to believe that a relationship wouldn't be alot of hard work and determination. But, I didn;t think that love would hurt.

When you love someone, I've found, they become your very heart. You feel what they feel. You start thinking like they think. You sacrifice for them. You rejoice with them. And you pull each other along through all the rocky points. And I have done that. ALl of that. I have just simplified my life in those few words. And right now, I almost feel like crying. Because a part of me wonders if that is all mutual. If I have become his clone, has he become mine? And also becuase a part of me grieves for the Sara that screamed independance. Defied all rules. Lived, just for the sake of living.

I watched his chest rise and fall with each of his breaths. Watched his facial expressions change. Stroked his soft hair. And at that moment, felt consumed with a love so deep, so precious, that I was at a loss.

Does Shawn love me as I love him? Would he sacrifice for me? Does he take my thoughts and feelings into consideration before he makes his decisions? Thoughts like these almost seem as though they should answer themselves. But for me, they don;t. Shawn is very closed off emotionally. When I tell him I love him, he says, "Okay." When I ask for a hug, its brief and he makes faces. Kisses are pecks. And holding hands is taboo.

I just had my birthday last month. A very dreaded year for reasons that I will not go into right now. That's a whole nother story that I haven't the heart to get into right now.. BUt I can tell you this, for all of my life, I have never had anyone throw me a birthday party. So I have only had one, my 21st. I threw myself one. My mother never sends a card or even calls. If I'm lucky, I get an e-mail. And getting a year older has never been easy for me. Has it been for any woman? But I thought this year, Shawn would remember. This year, he was gonna make it special. Well, my birthday came. My mom didn't call, write or even email. My Dad and siblings didn't either. And Shawn, well, he said Happy Birthday. Who the hell came up with the phrase Happy Birthday anyways? Is there such a thing? And if there is, I doubt it's in the cards for me to know one.

But anyhow... after my birthday I got to thinking... where am I in life? I'm not where I want to be I can tell you that. I thought I'd have been married 5 years ago, had babies shortly after... been to college. Done something. But after thinking about it, the only thing I have done is learned how to feel sorry for myself, to sleep away distress, and become numb.

And one question surfaced on more than one occasion... does he love me like I need to be loved? If I hang in there and continue waiting, will he ever ask for my hand in marriage? If I asked, would he give me his last bite? And sadly enough, I don't know. And if I asked, he would get upset. We would fight. I would hurt. So I didn't and thus far haven't bothered.

But then I ask myself this, what would life be like without Shawn. If I did leave as I have often threatened or wanted... would I become the bitter woman so many people I know become after a break up? Would I just have random one night stands and become the slut I have often thought could be fun? Would I start living my life for me and me alone? And if so, who am I as a single woman with no ties? All of these thoughts flooded my head and I felt suffocated. Terrified. Alone.

Then I looked at Shawn again and was calmed. Just looking at him as he sleeps, soothes me. Whenever I have needed him, no matter how much of a bitch I have been, he has always been there. We are such opposites taht I once thought we were doomed, but now wonder if maybe we might just compliment each other.

For right now, I think I want to hang in there. I'll be praying more than my fair share of prayers that he'll be able to effortlessly open his heart to me. And I'll still be drooling as I look through Brides Magazines when I think no one's watching.

And I'll keep on loving. Even I have no control over that. But damn it all, does it have to hurt? Why can't love be all fairy tales and rythms?

But I guess that if I knew the answer to that... well, I won't even go there.

The ramblings of a psycho...

Simply...

Sara