More so now than ever before in my life, I am at a loss for everything that is going on within me. My mind and my heart are in a constant state of utter chaos where emotions, thoughts and everyday woes are running at a fast pace rampant within me. My blood boils with nothing more than confusion and a need to figure out how my life and my 12 year relationship became so crazy.

Shawn and I as most of you know are waging a battle to fix what mess has become of our relationship. After 12 years, we became dangerously close to fallign apart at more than just the seams and that has caused us to try like hell to try to put all of the pieces back together. We have gone even as far as to seek counselling. Something to my amazement, that he suggested. It's working to a small degree. But it's definately been a big start for us. It gives us a place to voice our concerns and open up to one another. And our Dr, has really been an amazing help through it all.

But then some things happen that cause me to wonder if we truly will make it and I am left to ponder everything and wonder where in hell we're supposed to go from there. Like this past week. Last Thursday, we went to the gym for our work out and then to a local dioner for lunch before work. While we were there, we discussed our finances as we had just gotten paid the day before. I was a bit excited since I had worked a lot of overtime workign all 7 days that week so that we could not only afford the bills that needed to be paid but to also afford the small luxuries I wanted. Like to have our hair cut and a trip to the nail salon and a dinner date with a friend that weekend. And I had voiced as much to Shawn.

Then he slides me $40 across tehtable. I asked what it was for and he told me to splurge on myself. You see, the counselor had given him a sheet with a bunch of ideas on how to indluge me special things to make me happy. Giving me "mad money" I guess was on the list.)He was so happy that he did this. But to me, it was a huge slap in the face. I worked for that money. I worked so that I could afford myself a hair cut, a manicure and pedicure and a dinner out with one of my girl friends. I was so upset. But seeing as to how happy he was that he did this for me. I decided to keep my mouth shut and deal with things taht way. Looking back, I think perhaps I should have spoken up about my feelings. But to have done so would have been ugly. I had needed to calm down first.

He had told me that he wasn't taking any money for himself as there was nothing he wanted save a hair cut. So we go shopping for the things we needed at the house and what not and he stumbles across a video game that just came out and buys it for himself. I don;t ever begrudge him any purchases as he rarely will buy himself anything. However, I couldn't help but notuice that it was slightly more than he had given me. But I shut my mouth. Later that night, he tells me that we're runnign shrt on cash and I will have to loan him some of teh money he gave me. I figured he planned to give it back out of what was in the bank. But then, when the bank book gets balanced, there's nothing left to give me anything back. I had surrendered all of the $40 he had given me for myself. So not only was I pissed that I had worked my ass off for a measley $40 and wouldn;t even be able to afford what plans I had made- but I wouldn;t be able to purchase anything for myself. Nothing! I wanted to cry. And then I wanted to choke him. Could he not see how devastated I was or the unfairness of it all?

And then, he had planned on taking me to the local fair on Saturday as we had never gone in the years we've been up here. And I got pretty excited that we would have a "date night." So I let the money situation go as much as possible and tried to get lost in the excitement of our date. But, with the lack of funds, we weren;t able to do even that. Instead, I went to my mom's during the day while he slept to visit with them and my brother's family who happened to come up for a day visit. And then, he left for a bachelor party he had been invited to.

Still seething, I decided that I would just starta nice ham dinner on so that when he got home, we could enjoy the dinner and maybe watch a movie or two together. I was really, honestly and truly trying to forget all the anger and hurt and just make one happy night with him. So when he got home, he told me of the night at the party as I finished up the meal. Then we sat and ate. But before I could suggest watching a movie or two, I looked over and saw that he was fast asleep in his chair.

It was in that moment where it felt like my whole relationship was one big pain in the ass that I was tired of trying to fix. The fact that after working so hard I couldn;t do what I had planned. Then I could do nothing since I had to use the money for other things and there was none left to give me back. Then we didn;t have our date to the fair and instead did nothing. Then he goes out, has fun and comes home only to fall asleep and leave me to do nothing. I was hurt. I was pissed. And I still am.

It was then that I realized that over 12 years, after giving my all to try to make this work- I am tired of it all anymore. And ever more so, I have started to hate the man that for the past 12 years has been my love of what I truly believed to be a life time. Hate him. And that was like one of the biggest AHA! moments ever for me. And one that literally scares the heck out of me!

Can I reverse the damage that has been done? In defense, he has been changing to try and make things better. He is struggling whole heartedly to make things work. He admits now that he loves me and can not imagine his life without me. And yet, it all seems like it's not enough. Am I just being greedy and selfish? For all my life since I can remember, he is teh one boy, now man whom I have chased and wanted for my own. I did everything I could to make him want me back. To love me as I have loved him. And even settled for less when I knew he couldn't.

The first three years we were datig I was allowe dto tell no one that we were a couple. People were only to know we were friends. Nothingmore or less. He said that it was our business, no one elses. I felt that he was ashamed of it. And it took almost 8 years for himt o even once tell me that he loved me. And things ahve just gine as he has wanted and expected them to go. If I wanted more, I was to find someone else.

Everyone always asks me why I stayed. I stayed for two reasons. The first being that I thought if he didn;t love or want me, I could make him. And I guess that to some degree, it worked. But is it too late? And the second reason I stayed, is because he made me feel like he was it. If he couldn't love or apprecaite me for who I was after all that I said and did for him, how could another man? He made me feel ugly, worthless and like I didn;t deserve anything better. I now have come to realize how ignorant and naive I was. But that's what it was.

And then, I made the life altering decision to have the gastric bypass surgery. And indeed, as Shawn feared, it changed me. No longer is the passive woman who felt hopeless, worthless and undeserving. Out came a woman who became healthier, thinner and for the first time in my life, a woman who looked into any mirror and noticed beauty. Not just inwardly, but also in physical appearance. I also started noticing the men who gave me second looks or openly ogled me. Men who walked right up to me, ME! and asked for a date or my number. And then's Shawn's worst fears of my havign the surgery started to come true. I started wanting to find another man.

Not just any other man. But one who would willingly want to open up to me, spoil me, love me and respect me as I was. And if he couldn;t do it... I finally felt that someone else might be able to. I no longer feel undeserving or unworthy. Perhaps I have become a bit greedy and more selfish. Maybe even too much so. But it is what it is.

So now, I live in fear. In fear that what once was might become again. Sure, he now openly loves me and is making efforts to be the man he should have been for me long ago. But for how long. What if he reverts back to the way he was once he's sure I won't leave? I live in fear of the now and the way things have come to be. Will we be able to salvage what was once the relationship I thought would last my lifetime? Will we be able to move past the past and will I be able to get past the anger and the hurting. And more importantly the hatred I have noticed that I have started to have for him? ANd I live in fear of the future. The fear of the unknown. The fear of life with Shawn as my husband and my best friend. And the fact that I don;t know that I will ever be able to trust in him or in us again. And also the fear that should we nto work, I will have to start all over. Both equally scary and maddening in their own rite.

So this is the madness I have been dealing with these days. And I don;t know what to do. I just pray every night the serenity prayer...

God, grant me please the courage to change the things that I can. Please, give me the strength to handle the things that I cannot chance. And lord, grant me please the wisdom to know the difference.

Heaven help me. I'm lost...

Simply,

Sara