I suppose another reason that I have not updated is because in light of everything that has occurred from the beginning of the month on, I Haven�t had very many positive things to say really. I thought I was handling the miscarriage well. In fact, I amazed everyone around me, myself included. But then, things started falling apart on me. I started to have bouts of deep depression that have been coming and going. I have started doubting everyone and everything in my life. I have questioned everyone and everything. And as usual, I am no better off. There have been no magical answers. No �aha� moments if you will. The fact still remains that I lost our baby after a mere month and a half of being pregnant. And quite frankly, it fucking sucks moose cock.

I lost it on the 7th of June. On the 11th, my family made the trip up north here to celebrate my birthday which was on the 12th. I was so glad to have everyone here with me. Not for my birthday, but because of all that I was facing at the time. And at the same time, I didn�t want anyone around me. I just wanted my alone time to mourn and grieve the loss of the child that was not meant to be. How could I celebrate my birthday? Birthdays are a celebration of life. And at that very moment, I was grieving. I was mourning the death of my child. Some have even dared to say that that was a rather ridiculous thought as my child never came to be. It Didn�t breathe, it never lived� but I beg to differ. The night I started bleeding, I went into the hospital and had an ultra sound. My baby on that night in fact had developed it�s heartbeat. No, it never entered the world except to leave it- but it did live. It lived inside of me� heartbeat and all.

And to make matters worse, I had just gotten the drunken chickens on the grill to cook for a much anticipated tasty supper with my family and a few friends, only to end up in excruciating pain and being rushed off to the hospital where more of my child�s remains were removed from my innards. I underwent more testing. More agony. More despair. The only highlight of that weekend was the morphine they gave me to stop the pain. At least the physical kind. If only they had a drug that could numb me mentally. Now that, my friends, would be divine indeed. So yeah, Happy Fucking Birthday to Me. Heh.

In the past couple of weeks following, I have been struggling to get through each day one breath at a time. I have my good moments and my bad one. And luckily for me, there are more good than bad. But I still struggle/ I have though, decided that I do not wish to wait to get pregnant again. I wish to try again right away. In fact, I could be pregnant again right this very moment. Only time will tell. I know that to some people, this might sound ludicrous and insane� but this is something I have thought about with every fiber of my being. No one knows better than me what exactly it is that I need or what I can handle. And they tell me that physically, I am in no danger.

A very wise person whom I love with all of my heart and soul once told me years ago something that I have yet to forget . It�s a motto I almost have come to live by�.

�The only way to get over a lost love is find a new love.�

I believe this to be true. I lost the baby that in just 2 short weeks became the love of my life. I�m ready to make a new one. I�m ready to make as many new babies as it takes to birth on healthy one into this life. And I�m not asking people to approve of my decision. It was mine to make. But I do hope that they will accept it� pray for Shawn and I� and be there for me.

Hopefully one day soon, I�ll get over these blues. And until then, I�m holding on, hanging in and watching my moods swing worse than a limp cock in a strong gust of wind. Ain�t life a bitch, Y�all?

Simply,

Sara