But on Tuesday night, I went to the bathroom at work and noticed some bleeding. Not quite spotting, but not a full blown bleed either. And there were cramps. But I�d been having them the whole time. I knew that a lot of women experienced bleeding early on in their pregnancies. I guess it can happen around a woman�s natural time for their monthly cycle And it can also happen as the baby attaches itself in the uterus. But I was still scared. So I told Shawn and had my doctor paged. He said there was a chance I was miscarrying, but since I had all the normal healthy signs of pregnancy, it could be nothing. Well, I wasn�t about to risk it so I had Shawn take me to the E.R.

I explained to the nurses in triage what my problem was and they rushed me back immediately. I was put in a special room for OB-GYN exams. I underwent a pelvic exam, blood work, urine tests and then was wheeled off to radiology. There I was given an abdominal ultra sound, but since I was still so early into it they couldn�t see much. So then they had to give me a vaginal ultra sound. Not fun. It�s rather invasive, although it was necessary. Shawn held my hand the whole time. He never left my side and I was grateful for that.

Through the vaginal ultra sound, the lady was able to find my baby. I was told it was hard to see as it looked like a little bean. She said that from the size, it was determined that I was exactly 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Wow. And also that the baby�s heart had recently just begun to beat. But it was weak. Too weak that it still could not be heard when she tried to get it on audio for us.

When we went back to the room, it was about a half of an hour later and the doctor came in and said the baby and everything appeared to be fine and healthy. But they couldn�t explain the bleeding. It could be perfectly normal- but that my body could be trying to reject this pregnancy for whatever reason. I guess if the body senses that something isn�t right, it will reject it. But knowing my baby had a heartbeat, my mind found peace. Shawn read in one of my books that once a baby develops their heartbeat, chances of miscarriage are greatly reduced. Yay for that.

So I was released home, told to stay on strict bed rest for 2 days which meant being off work. And to schedule a follow up with my OB-GYN. But that hopefully, 2 days on bed rest would help stop the bleeding. I went home and I prayed. Goodness, how I prayed. I begged, pleaded and bargained with the God who has given me life, given me the strength and courage to carry me through the hard times and the God who had just blessed me with my most precious dream, now come true.

I begged him to spare my baby. To make my body not fight off this pregnancy. I bartered. I promised to find a church, to go every week and to raise my child to know Him. But by the end of the night, as I closed my prayers- I begged God to follow through with his will. That whatever his plan for me and my baby, I knew that he would not allow anything to happen that I couldn�t handle. And if for some reason he had to take my baby, to please allow me to have another.

I stayed in bed the next morning and all afternoon. I fielded the many phone calls that came in from concerned friends and family. I was overjoyed when the mail was given into me and my friend Laura send me a card to congratulate me from California. (Thanks, CutieLatina! I love you!)

But when I was talking to Shawn, I carried him via the phone with me to the bathroom when the unthinkable occurred. There lay a large clot in my underwear. I picked it up and explained what was going on to Shawn. But as I examined the clot, my heart began to sink. I just knew then and there that it was my baby. I could have sworn even though it was tiny, it was my baby. I hung up with Shawn just as the hysterics started and called for a ride to the hospital.

Nicol and Samantha ended up putting our differences aside as they were the closest and rushed me to the E.R. I called Shawn and had him come to me once I arrived. Again, I was put through another vaginal exam. I was put through more ultra sounds.

But this time, when the doctor came in there was no good news. There was no healthy baby. The baby of the previous ultra sound with the just barely beating heart was no longer in my womb, but in the small throw away ziplock container I had brought it in. I had indeed miscarried.

Life for me stopped in that moment. There were no thoughts. No emotions. No nothing. For a brief moment, my body shut down completely. A part of me died right then and there. And when everyone left Shawn and I alone, I mourned. I wailed. I held Shawn as tight as I could and I begged for death. Why me? Why us? Why our baby? After 11 years of infertility, to be given a blessing to literally have it ripped from my womb for no apparent reason. I didn�t understand why I was being punished.

And then Shawn held me. He tried to soothe me. He told me it was not my fault. I was not being punished. That he loved me. We would try again. And you know what? He�s right. It�s not my fault. It was indeed God�s will whether or not I understand it. And we will try again. And if it takes 5 tries or 100- I will be a Mommy one day. Hopefully, one day sooner rather than later.

Don�t get me wrong, I�m still grieving for the life I lost. I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. But I take solace in the fact that I will be. After 11 years of infertility, my womb is ready to give birth. By God�s grace, I will be a mommy. I just don�t know when. But somehow, I know I will be. In that fact alone, I have faith.

I still have moments where out of the blue, I break down and bawl. I still think of what might have been. But I refuse to let it eat at me until all I have left is my own self pity to wallow in. I have such a loving and supportive network of friends and loved ones whose constant calls and well wishes have kept me sane. And as I look around at all of the reminders- Shawn�s father�s day gifts I just got him, the many books on pregnancy for first time mommies� I know I will pack them away until the next baby comes along. And there in lies the secret to my sanity� there will be a next time.

Simply,

Sara