It's been a tough, emotional past couple of months for me. I got engaged, I came to a stand still with my weight loss, I am struggling with choices I have to make in life, friends have been hurting, I have been hurting. I have been missing my family something fierce. And then R.W.'s death at work took it's toll.

I have been throwing myself into housework, daily chore and errand runs, cooking and my job. Anything I can do to take my mind off of everything that has been plaguing me with anything but good vibes.

And then there's prayer. I have been talking to God a lot lately. Begging for signs, bargaining with Him and just living on hopes and prayers.

I have also been seeking out therapy in a more traditional way of women. I got my hair cut in a new style, got my nails done and airbrushed all fancy like. Shopped a little bit and have a date with a pedicurist as soon as time allows me to oblige and indulge. So all is not at a loss.

I am a bit worried about my lack of appetite and of sleep. But they're due to get better I hope. At least I'm not sleeping my days away anymore and am able to get things accomplished. My housework has never been so kept up. And honing my cooking skills has been quite theraputic and even fun. Not to mention, through my cooking- I am able to channel that therapy into the smiles of all who indulge in my tasty labors.

Shawn and I just need to sit down and hash all of this out. Hell, maybe we even need to seek counselling to deal with what we're up against. I know a lot of this stems from my surgery and the emotional battles I am waging against as my body changes. It has in no way been an easy thing to deal with.

I am healthier- yes. Happier- yes. I look damn hot- oh yeah! But in the same sense, I am also confused. People look at me differently. Treat me differently. See me differently. Guys who never would have given me a secvond glance before- now let their eyes linger. They flirt, they comment, they admire. And they also don't stand a snowballs chance in hell with this newly slimmed down hottie.

This surgery had upped my self-confidence like you would not believe. But it has also added to my insecurities and confusions at the same time. I don't know how to explain it.

But regardless, I refuse to allow myself to fall apart. I refuse to get beat down or become someone who just floats through life.

Whatever I am dealing with or going through, I plan to tackle it head on. And it's going to start with my relationship to Shawn. After 11 years of loving one another and being commited to one another, I owe it to him. To myself and to us as a whole.

I do love him. More than anyone can ever know. I just need to know that as much as I love him, he loves me just as much. I need to know that as I live and breathe for our love, he does too. And if he can't love me the way I need- no, as I deserve to be loved. then fine, I'll understand. And then we'll owe it to both of us to weigh our options and find out which path is the right one for us to travel. Together or not.

No matter what happens, matters of the heart are never easy to be reckoned with. But eventually, we have to do it. We have to tackle the skeletons that linger in our proverbial closets and go on from there.

But just in case things get hairy... anyone know a number for the Ghost Busters?

Simply,

Sara