Things are a bit better since my last out-pouring of emotions. In fact, the night I wrote my last entry and put my soul out there- Shawn and I had a conversation that lasted well into the wee hours of the morning. It got pretty emotional. It was definately raw and uncut. And we both cried. Yes, btoh of us. And when Shawn started to cry, my heart broke into a million pieces.

I laid a lot out for him about how I feel and have felt. I told him my thoughts, my feelings and my dreams. I also told him how I feel that I am unworthy of his love, of being his wife and the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Not of my own accord, but because he makes me feel that way. His refusal to commit or marry me and his referring to marriage as a "wasted investment" broke my heart and made me feel cheap and less than desired. Like I was nothing more than a convenience to him.

He assured me that that wasn't true. I was crying by that point. Bawling actually- and he pulled me close and said that if he had his way, we would stay there in each other's arms forever. He actually said all the right things to soothe my troubled soul and put my mind at ease.

Except when it came to talk of getting married. He said that whenever he thought about marying me, I would nag him about it and he felt pushed. Or that if he actually did propose, that people would think he only did it just to "shut me up." I didn't know what to say to that. Hell, what can ya say to soemthing like that really?

I love him. I truly, truly do! Shawn has been my life for so long. He's been my best friend, my rock, my comfort and my shoulder to cry on. He's been my everything. And yet, that "hard place" keeps haunting my every thought. The Unknown still seeps into my dreams.

And still, I am left with more questions than I have answers. I am no closer to figuring out where, who and what I want and/or need out of life. Instead, I fell like my life has turned into one big riddle.

And as for love, well it's a dance that keeps twirling me about a little harshly like a rag doll. I can only hope I end up with a partner who has both his feet.

Simply,

Sara