Now, it's after 6 a.m. on the next day. I'm still awake, and I am still not sure if it was a good thing, or a bad thing. I want it to be good- but I won't know for sure 'til all is said and done.

Samantha and I were on our way to pick nicol up from work when my celly started chirping. I looked on the face to see who was calling since almost no one calls me on it and saw an unfamiliar number. I juggled everything so I could answer the phone and manage to pull over to the side of the road so I could talk. And it's a damn good thing I did pull over as it was Mary Kay, my nurse.

They got the test results back from the Mayo Clinic already. That shocked me. but i was thrilled to find out that my tests were negatory. the H-{ylori had flown my coop. All those gut wrenching (quite literally too) meds worked. That made it all worth while. I have a clean bill of health officially! YEEHAW!

And then the bomb dropped. I am cleared. Good to go. Green lighted. I will be having gastric bypass surgery (barring any unforseen circumstances God forbid. I think I ahve had my fair share already damn it) on July 21st.

Two weeks... oh my!

That's not a lot of time to prepare, get my family and Shawn prepared. Hell to get my nerves prepared!

And sure enough, the doubt and worry was back in Shawn's mind. He hasn't been for this surgery since I entertained the idea. there was a short while when he thought it might be worth looking into. But now he's worried about the bigger picture. What about 10, 15 even 20 years from now. He knows that after the surgery my life will not, can not ever be the same again.

I will ahve to be on vitamins and supplements for the rest of my life. And he wonders what happens if I lost my job and my health coverage. And what are the long term effects? Do people eventually gain the weight back. What happens if it doesn;t work. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

All of those fear and concerns are very real and need not be validated. I understand where he's coming from as I had them myself. But I ahve done my homework. I researched for hours. I "interviewed" people. I took a couple of years to make this decision. And now, it feels right. This is somethign that I feel I not only want to do- but have to do if I want to live a productive and full life.

Sure, there's a chance that I could walk into that hospital two weeks from now and never come out. But that's a chance you take with any surgery. And I am not going to dwell on that fact.

What I am thinking about is the fact that in 2 weeks, I am going to enter throught he gates of hell. I am going to challenge my body, mind and spirit in ways I never knew possible. I know that for some time afterward, I am going to wonder why the hell i signed up to walk that road to hope. I know it's going to hurt. I know my life will change. I know it won't be easy.

But I also know that this is something I have to do. I know that I am a survivor and a fighter. And that I will come out of this much better off than when I went in.(you'll probably have to remind me of this when they cut me loose from my morphine drip and make me start walking and talking like a non-morphine having being again)

This is a HUGE step for me. One I am not willing to chicken out on now. Besides, I believe whole heartedly that when your time is up, it's up. It doesn't matter where you are, what you're doing or who you are with. When god sends in the reaper- he means business. So if I don't come out of this surgery (God forbid!), then it was my time. And I'm not one to tell "The Big Guy" how to run his oepration yanno? Sure, I'll pray like crazy, beg, bribe and do everything in my power. but there's no cheating Lady Fate.

I'd be a liar to say that I wasn't scared. Because I am. But I take great comfort in the people who love me and are making this part of my life a tad bit easier to bear.

To be quite honest, I'll just be glad to have it over and done with. Then the real healing can begin and for oncein my life, my inner beauty might just get to meet my outer beauty.

... 'magine that!

So here I am, embarking on my personal Road to Hope.

Wish me luck!

Simply,

Sara