So ... if you decide to read on, know that this is a burden I have been carrying for all of my 27 years of life. It's not a topic I just decided to rant about for the sake of ranting. This is me. Raw. Uncut. Uncensored. And ya know, I wouldn't have it any other way!

This rant is about what so many people spend all of their lives doing anything they can to avoid it. At ANY cost. Some even die trying. And those of us, yes, myself included, who were never so lucky as to avoid it, faced lives of heartache and anger.

I'm talking about fat people.

I can hear the collective gasps all around. Clothes your mouths and quit stepping on your tongues, please. Take a deep breath and face it. Society does not accept fat people. Therefore, everyone abhors fat. Hell, especially the fat people like me.

(And just so you don't think I'm someone who might be a size 5, wanting to be a 2 or a 3, I am 5' 11' tall, and 360 lbs. I have been diagnosed as what my doctors call morbidly obese. )Like I needed a doctor to tell me I was fat?!

I have always been fat. Well, except when I was born. I only weighed 7lbs 7 ozs, which was cited as normal. But it was fat glands and cellulite from there on out. My most popular joke on when I am asked, "How did you get to be so big?", and oh yes, people do say it, is to tell then it's all in the genes as I tug on my denim's. Lordy, it's in the jeans, in the shoes, under the shirt... I haven't one slim part on my body. And I am no longer ashamed of it, damn it! It has taken me years , quite literally, to learn to love myself as I am, for who I am- fat and all.

And it took years of education. I always heard people who were overweight blame their weight on a billion different things and circumstances. Me? I blamed it on everything. Bone structure. My love of food. The fight I may have had. The bad test grade. Anything, really. But I often wondered, what really makes fat people--- fat?

Well, in my search for the truth, many factors play into the weight of someone. I cannot begin to explain for the many others out there, so I am only going to talk about myself here. And mind you, I have nothing to hide. I won't lie and try to bull shit you. What's would that do? Nothing for me I assure you.

My problems originate from my DNA. (Those damned genes, I tell ya!) My metabolic rate is zilch. Nada. Null and void. The way my doctor put it, is that most people have to walk a good 30-45 minutes before they even burn ONE measly calorie. For me to burn that same measly little calorie- I would have to walk a good hour and a half to two hours. Just to burn one flipping calorie!!! Can you imagine? As if!

Needless to say, after hearing that, though I fully understand that it's not the wisest nor the most healthy choice, have opted to NOT go out of my way to exercise. To me, there's no point. I would be walking 20 miles to burn off a stick of gum. Imagine if I splurged on a Big Mac!!!

And let me say here, that the time has come for me to squash a rumor that stops me dead in my tracks, makes me wanna rip out a person's tongue for even saying it, thump them on the noggin for thinking it and cry at the pure injustice of it. Are you ready?

*** Just because people are fat... DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE LAZY PIGS!!!!!! ***

Do you get what I am saying? Suuuure, that is the lamest, easiest yet MOST IGNORANT (and by ignorant, I do mean uneducated) excuse!

Hell, it took me forever to convince my own doctor AND my then therapist, that just because I am morbidly obese, in their terms ... that does NOT mean that I race home from work and plop my fat ass in from of the t.v. watching God knows what amidst a platter of twinkies, ho-ho's, candy bars and bags of potato chips. For the love of food, and I DO love food, don't let me deceive you, I am NOT anything like that!

Like I said, I do love food. I am not an emotional eater. If I'm upset or down, I can't eat. Fat or not. Sure, I love foods that aren't healthy. hell, I'm a sucker for anything chocolate. Ding Dongs and Butterfingers tickle my fancy from time to time. But my favorite foods, are healthy foods. Fruits, salads, etc. And believe it or not, I get a LOT of exercise. No, I'm not running any marathons or swimming across any gulfs anytime soon. But hell, neither are most the skinny people I know.

The next myth, just because someone is fat, does NOT mean they're a walking heart attack, the next candidate for a stroke, or a walking diabetic coma. C'mon people. Sure, we're at a higher risk. But everyone is at risk for something. Being a morbidly obese person, my heart is just wonderful. Blood pressure is low, not high. My sugar is right where it needs to be and my thyroid is doing it's job. I can honestly say, I am a healthy fat person. I may not stay that way, but for now, I am.

I can't tell you how many times I have been told when I picked up a piece of fried chicken or a second slice of pizza, "Now, Sara ... you're going to eat yourself into a heart attack." The one who says it the most? My Dad. And yeah, it hurts like hell. I don;t say much. And if I'm tempted to cry, I walk away. unlike the many others who've said it, I know he does it of love ... and of ignorance.

I have been the brunt of cruelty from the time I entered grade school, until the present. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be, how ignorant they choose to stay, and how people will stop at nothing until they have shattered a fat person;s heart, ripped it from their chest and stomped on it. All in the name of "I'm just trying to help!"

I often now tell them just what I think of their help, what to do with their help and offer to draw them a map to God's country in case they get lost. I had an Aunt, my once favorite Aunt, give me papers to an over eaters anonymous group when I was 14. She picked me up from Winter Carnival at my then high school. Instantly, my favorite Aunt, became my hated Aunt. And to this day, we don't talk much. I don't think I ever told her what changed the things between us. And I will be soon. I know she acted again, out of love. But to me, out of ignorance. Those papers told me she looked at my size. not at my lifestyle.

For these 27 years, I have refused to lose weight. Whenever anyone questioned why, I told them my truth. I have not, and will not ever lose weight for anyone else. I don't care if it's unhealthy. I don't care that it's not pleasant for you to look at. I don;t care that I have to go to tent and awning for clothes. If I'm not losing the weight for me, then what good is it doing me? I have no one to please in life but me, myself and I. Because as someone once told me long, long ago- "Honey, if they can't love you fat, they surely can't love ya skinny. Because it's all Sara inside ... no matter what ya look like." Who am I to argue that insightful wisdom?

I think before any fat person starts a diet regimen, they have to come to terms with themselves first. They have to learn to appreciate all that God has given them. Being fat, doesn't mean automatically that you're disgusting or ugly. It doesn't mean anything. You are fat. That's the hand you were dealt. You can choose to fold, or you can up the ante. But one way or another, until you come to terms with who you are, you're fighting a losing battle.

You have to learn to lose yourself, no matter what your imperfections are. Because if you can't love yourself, if you can't respect yourself or appreciate yourself, how can you expect others to do it for you? I learned long ago after many tears and devastation's, that the only person that can validate me, is me.

This past year, I have thought a lot about me, and who I am. About all that I have gone through in life. I often caught myself throwing my own pity party and crying tears until the wells went dry. And then I got to thinking, as bad as I have had it-and there have been some bad, bad times ... there are other people out there who have gone through so much worse. Some people can make my miseries look like cake walks.

So now, I am taking a stand against ignorance. A stand against the society that says thin is in and that being fat makes me a target for ridicule. Instead of running from he laughter, crying from the heartache, I am fighting back. I'm fighting their ignorance with my intelligence. I'm fighting their anger with my love. I'm fighting their cruel words with my own humor.

You know, humor really is the best weapon. I can laugh at myself. I can laugh with you laughing at me. And I can joke with the best of comedians. Sometimes, it causes a friends discomfort. They think I am putting myself and other fat people down. I'm not. I assure you. I'm taking a bad situation and making it okay to laugh about, okay to discuss. And yes, feel free to laugh with me. Because if we can't find the humor in it all, then by God, we're damned.

So the next time you cringe at a fat person, or make a rude comment, shy away from meeting them because of their weight ... stop and think about all I've written here. Because you are, after all, only a few big mac's or a pair of "jeans" away from being in my shoes. And although I don't see my feet often, I know damn well they're pretty big.

And to those of you who have or are walking along with me in our wide width Reeboks ... take the time to get to know who you are beneath the weight. You have only to look beyond the layers of flesh to see beauty. Look into your heart, into your soul and see yourself for who you really are.

And to those fat people who think they're untouchable, unlovable and that no one wants to be with a fat person... I am a living proof that it just ain't so! There ARE men and women out there who can see past the extra flash. People who look at is as "more to cuddle." I have found my soul mate and been with him for 10 years. Fat does NOT mean you are doomed to a life of loneliness. But you again have to realize that if you can;t love yourself, no one else will. Because you're going to sabotage every relationship unintentionally. I've been there. And hey, it won't happen overnight. It may take time for you Mr. or Mrs. Right to come along. But truth be told, they're out there, waiting for you. I promise.

And understand that being fat does not make you Frankenstein or his Bride. It took me forever to realize that I have a beautiful face. I really love my lips, they're very full and inviting. I have gorgeous hair. Strong legs. And I don't have a mean bone in my body. I am beautiful. And I don't need anyone else to tell me. Hell, they don't even have to agree.

You know why? Because...

~!~ It's mind over matter. I don't mind, they don't matter. ~!~

It really is that simple!

Simply,

Sara