I stepped in cat shit on my way to sign on and write my thoughts hear. Yes, cat shit. Fecal matter. Ugh. Fecal matter that my damn dog dragged out of the cat litter box for a midnight snack. Yep. Ewww. Normally after a slew of curses, a huge temper tantrum and a dog scolding later... I can laugha bout it. I'm NOT laughing now. Newp. Not so much as a giggle. I know, pretty sick huh? Dog shit slipper. Well, at least it wasn't you.

I left for work today as sleeping beauty (Shawn) was still in bed. I woke him long enough to ask for his paycheck. And when I bothered him long enough to sign it, he tossed it at me and told me just to go ahead and scribble his name. Heh. Last time I did that... he had a raging fit. I guess this time convienience out won his sense of self. Go figure.

I headed out, stopped to get the mail. More bills. Drove to get lunch. Stopped at the bank. got to work and walked into one big cluster fuck. As usual. Ever since the powers that be at work decided that as soon as the lines hit their production, they can leave- we walk into down machines everywhere. Today was no exception. The ONLY exception was that I was so NOT in the mood for it today.

I was cranky, irritable, and all out bitchy. I didn't want to deal with the cluster fuck. it's been happening so much lately, I'm quickly becoming "cluster phobic". GRRR! But despite my mood, the guys at work kept me slightly chipper as we chatted and trudged thru the shit we were left. But all I kept thinking was how badly I wanted to get home, wrap my arms around Shawn and just be us. Maybe watch a movie. Maybe cuddle. Maybe just talk. We haven't been doing much of that lately. It's all I hoped for.

So when work ended, I ended up staying an extra half an hour to discuss a few things with the incoming support staff and relay a few things. When that was done and my feet were itching to hit the door... I got broadsided. I had 3 seperate people corner me about the "thing" between Tara and I. It was somewhat hilarious as one had heard I punched her. One heard I pushed her then proceded to pummel her and the last had heard that I gave her a couple shiners. As if. After I laughed, I agreed that Tara and I were no longer friends, we did indeed have a tiff. I gauve vague details and finally scooted out the door a half hour after my shift ended.

Then I hit the video store, and then to the gas station where I ran into another guy from work who asked me about Tara and I. What the hell is this? Get up in Sara's business night? For fuck sakes people... it happened weeks ago. It's done, it's over. Let the fucking sleeping dog LIE for the love of money. Puh-leez.

So I agve him the same small bits of info. But he was a guy who knew how long Tara and I had been friends. He knew how "close" we were. And he stood there for almost a half an hour trying to console a glowering person. For fuck sakes, she didn't die! I didn't lose my best friend. I didn't lose anything. Okay, well maybe I did. I lost a whole lotta migraines. Besides, you can't mourn something lost- when you never fucking had it to begin with, right?

Needless to say, that did NOT enhance my mood. Greatful for the concern I am. but I would also be greatful for some breathing room and a little peace. Sheesh.

So I'm driving home, windows down, the radio cranked. Delilah tuned in. She always makes me love sick.... when I listen to her, I want to race home to Shawn and wrap my arms around him. Tell him I love him. Tonight was no exception. I cranked her soothing voice, her words of inspiration. I put the pedal to the floor and I sped home.

And then there I was, pulling into the drive. I got out of the car, lights aimed at my garden and I watered it. Shawn let chewy out to see me, and he came and chatted with me for a bit. Then I parked the car and we came inside.

We stood in the kitchen. I hugged him a bit wanting desperately to feel his love. I asked for a kiss and managed to drag a small one out of him. We discussed work a bit, I made something to eat. Offered to make him something, and then he did what he ALWAYS does. he left me wanting so much more from him. He went to his beloved computer and it's game.

And there I was, pert near tears wondering if this was it. Is this my "big picture?" I took my food to my "love seat" (one that hasn't seen a whole lot of love lately honestly. I popped in the first dvd of the 4th season of Sex and the City. I ate, I watched and I bawled for all I was worth.

And I thought. And thought. And thought. Shawn is always telling me that I "think too much." Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm PMS'ing something fierce. I don't know what's gotten into me but Damn.

When in hell did my life becaome so predictable? When did our life as a couple become so fucking boring. And for what's more.... WHY?! I mean, what the fuck?!

I think all the time about who I am. And who I want to be. Where I want to go. And I can;t talk about these things with him. tonight I tried. I asked him if he ever thought he'd live out of state? Somewhere farther south. Somewhere warmer where there isn;t snow. A place that's small, country. A place where we could buy a farm house and work on it. A fixer upper. I told him I have always dreampt of falling in love, getting married and buying an old farm house. Driving an old beat up Dodge truck. You know what. He told me no, he never had. That I was silly. And he laughed. That was before he went back to his dingeon and I sat on my love seat and cried.

This is the man that I weant nothing more than to pleadge before God, our family and friends to spend the rest of my life with. The man I want to have a family with. To grow old with.

Now, I often wonder if that's even possible. We have nothing in common. nothing. When I broached that subject with him, he told me that was okay. That opposites attract and that instead of it working against us, we complimented each other. And yanno? before, I bought it. I thought, yeah. He was right.

Now I think, no, he's wrong. I ahve become so dependant on him. I do what he wants, when he wants. I cook, I clean (when I have the initiative. I've been on a fucking cleaning strike as of late, I do the laundry. I run the errands. All while he plays on his computer or sleeps. I can't make a descision without his input. I ahve lost what independance I might have had. I have clung so tightly and fiercely to "us", that I think I may have lost "me" along the way.

We don't do anything exciting anymore. We don't get out. When I mention just getting in the car and driving for a weekend with no agenda at all, he tells me that's stupid. Everything he wants to do, whether or not I like it- I do. because it's for him and will make him happy. He doesn't do that for me.

All I really want, is a man who loves me the way I need to be loved. And that constitutes a man who loves me just as much as I love them. A man who remembers the special days of the year... valentine's day... sweetest day... my fucking birthday for the love of all that's fucking holy!

Every year he tells me that all the couple's "holidays" are Hallmark holidays and nothing more. I don;t think he's remembered my birthday in years. Well, I mean he remembers tham. Hell, I don't let him forget. But he never gets me so much as a card or a cake, let alone a small present or a party. And yes, I AM bitter. No, I haven't gotten over it.

And yes, I do know that he won't change. Shawn is who he is. And that's the man I fell in love with. But I am who I am. And we're both take it or leave it kinds of people.

But are we enough for each other? Can we be opposites, have different ideas and goals, want different lives... and still be a couple?

And if not- what then?! please don;t think I don't love him. Oh god, I do. I fucking A do!

But right now, I need to be loved. I need to be held and be made to feel special.

Maybe my problem lies within loving too much. Maybe I love him so much that I'm suffocating myself with it.

Maybe I'm obcessing.

Maybe I need to head for the nearest Nut Hut and ask them to up the Prozac pronto.

Maybe my period will arive tomorrow.

And maybe, just maybe- I am the cow he won't buy because he gets the milk for free.

All I know right now is that I'm clueless.

And feeling ever so much the Drama Queen I am constantly bitching about.

Shoot me, damn it. Take me out to pasture and put me down.

I'm clueless. Please, send insight!

Simply,

Sara