So I dragged my tired self from bed to go greet the family I have missed. After an hour or so, I returned to bed telling them I just needed a couple more hours of sleep. Which is all I got.

When I returned tyo the worl of the awake peoples, I settled my disoriented and disheveled self down to the table where my sister Gena and my Dad were fixing potato salad for tonights dinner. I heard my sister telling my Dad that my Mom was thinking of leaving her boyfriend (YAY! No love loss there) AND the boys. Although I was tired as hell... alarm bells went off in my head.

You see, My Mom left my Dad and our family when I was 12. She claimed she needed a better life. She told people I was old enough (At 12 mind you) to help my Dad care for the kids. My sister Lisa was 9, Gena was 4 and my brother Adam was 6. We didn't see my Mom for at least a year or two after she left.

And then, when we did... we found out that she was with another man who at the time was 18... (I was 14). And then, a year later, they got pregnant for my brother Aundre II. Which at the time, and even now at times, sent my head spinning.

My Mom left one family, to start another. I couldn;t believe it. And while she missed all of our birthdays, christmases, special events in our lives, she wasn't missing my brothers or her boyfriends. Ugh.

I became very hateful and bitter to my Mom. At one point, I even called her a cunt. And until the past week, I wanted nothing to do with her. Then, for some reason or another, I started missing her... and now, this. MY mind and my heart keep going to my baby brothers, Aundre ("Boo") who is now 11, and Aaron who is 5.

If she leaves them, I know all too well what that will do to them. My brother Boo has had a rough life. My mom's boyfriend has hated him from day one. He was too fat, too weak... etc. He is a very needy child. Starved for love and attention. I often think that because Aundre hated Boo, that my Mom distanced herself. Then they lost Anthony, their second child... and had Aaron a year later. Aaron was spoiled and my Mom's baby in every way. He is a severe asthmatic, and has been in and out of the hospital alot.

I feel a desperate need to reach out to my brothers... to go and rescue them from my mother and her selfish ways. From their alcoholic abusive father. But how? Even if I could get custody, would I be able to put Aaron on my insurance at work. He would need it. And how, working 3-11 p.m., would I be able to afford day care for the boys when they were out of school and care for them the way they need and deserve to be cared for??? I would be gone long before they got home from school, and long after they were in bed for the night.

And what would Shawn say?????????

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Earlier, we decided to walk the kids down to the park. Shawn was out putting his new flood lights on the truck and nothing good was on t.v. The kids seemed especially restless. So off we went.

My Dad was a bit tipsy and my sister and I got a good laugh of him trying to walk the few blocks to the park. When we got there, the kids were all over. If only I could bottle their energy, I'd be rich. My Dad and Gena got right into the xcitement following them up stairs, down slides and thru the sand. I was the one chasing behind them making sure the babies didnt fall, didn't... didn't knock themselves or each other out. It was great to watch the closeness that my niece and nephew share.

They squealed with delight as they peeled off thru the sand after one another. I sat on a bench for awhile just soaking it all in.

Babies are an amazing creation. Two people, joining together... giving life to very pieces of their hearts. Their hearts that take their breaths as we do... When we decidd to have babies, we give births to our hearts, our souls... allowing them to enter the realms of the living, unprotected in ways that scare me.

Cassie and Carter have pieces of my heart in them. I saw to that. They are two very loved children. But their laughter, their love, even their tears... give back so much more than I could ever invest in them.

They dereve the world... they will see their dreams achieved if I have anything to say about it.

And don't my baby brothers deserve the same????

************************************** It's now 2:44 a.m. After I closed off my earlier rantings, my sister Gena and I went into town to return some DVDs that I had rented. We also wanted to go to Meijer's to pick up my photos from the last time the kids were up and I took them to the kids museum and the zoo. When we went to get my photos, 2 of 3 rolls were in. Now only 1 of 3 did I know what the film was from. The other 2 I found lying around. The one from taking the kids out had disappeared. It was promised back yesterday. I was quite disappointed. I was hoping to send my sister Lisa some photos home. The other 2 were in. I was curious to see what I would find... One was from our vacation to Macinac Island a year ago. But the film had been subjected to light, so didn't turn out well. The othe roll... was from a former life. Gena and I got some laughs. They were taken at my Mom's house, Christmas Eve, 2000. Wow. That was the last Christmas I went home... one where my family was one big happy mess instead of the stressed out one we have turned into. It was the Christmas Matt proposed to Lisa (though not much longer, and they would split for good). Even Big Aundre was there and in the holiday spirit. I will go through them and send them back for my sisters to distribute. I will perhaps tuck mine away into an album for a rainy day. But these photos... memories of a happier time in life. Memories to remind me of what we once had. Proof, that once upon a time... we knew civility and could be all together and happy... Once, upon a time, long, long ago....