I talked to my Dad earlier on in the week... he said that he, my sisters and the babies planned on coming up this weekend. YAH! I haven;t seen my niece or nephew in a few. My sister Lisa got a job, so it isn;t all that often that she can just hop in the car and go. So it'll be nice to see her. But I forgot to ask if she was coming... well, it'll be nice to see her if she comes. haha.

Work went by without a hitch. It was actually rather boring. So on my off time when nothing was breaking, blowing up or running out of specs... I had my nose planted in a book about anger management that Dr. Vann sold me to read. It's really boring as are most self-help books for me. But this one, if takes in in doses, isn't so bad.

I definately do have anger management needs. So I am paying close attention, taking notes and applying much of it to myself.

I am also working on one other self help book I saw on Oprah. It was written by the famed Dr. Phil. It's Called: Self Matters. I saw Oprah and Dr. Phil talking about it on her show and I thought, "Damn, I NEED that book".

I am at a point in my life where I have realized that I have put so much of myself on the back burner always trying to please others... that I forgot to take care of and live for myself. I forgot to matter. And it's not working for me anymore.

Tonight, as I watched a couple of Oprah shows (taped by my TiVo... God, were has TiVo been all my life?) The first one had The Ferlaak's on. I was shocked. They are from my area here in Michigan. They were at a restaraunt for Sunday brunch when some woman decided to commit suicide and drove her car into the restaraunt. The Ferlaak's lost their 4 yr. old daughter Teegan, their son Brock and daughter Wyndham had been hurt, as had Chip. (The father) They got up in court when the woman was sentenced... and FORGAVE her. She killed their 4 year old baby, hurt them far beyond imagination... and they forgave. I cried. Iwas so in awe.

Then I got to thinking... who am I to be this bitter, grudge bearing bitch?! I can forgive. I WANT to forgive. I want to get back to good. I miss care free days, smiles and sunshine.

I wrote my Mom a 10 page letter tonight. We have a love/hate relationship. We both love and hate each other. I honestly don't know how we got that way. But I'm 26. And damn it... I miss my Momma. Wwe haven;t had an easy relationship. But I think with a little time, effort, patience and understanding, we can get thru the wavfes and into the calm.

The second Oprah was about friendships. She has all of these inspiring people on her show explaining the ways they reached out for a friend... the mountains they moved, the seas they parted. I cried harder than I had in awhile. I don't have any friends like that. To be honest, I don;t have any real friends at all. Only acquaintances. Other than Roo, (AlwaysAnge) and Tamra, I'm a lost soul.

I don't have a close local friend to go have girls nights out with, no one to karaoke with, get manicures with, chat on the phone and laugh with, or for that matter to cry with. I have Shawn. My soul mate and best friend. But even with him, he can;t be that female companion that can turn a grey sky blue. Sometimes, ya just need a woman's touch...

WHY don;t I have friends? Am I that awful or have I pushed away that many people? Have I caused this? I have racked my brain for one close friend. Nada. No one I would give 60% of my liver to... (A guy on Oprah did that for his best friend)

Forgiveness and Friendship... two things every soul should have. And here I sit.. my liver 100% in tact.

How sad. How sad indeed!

Liver anyone???