�and I won�t lie and say that I am not scared. Believe you me, I am. I am also happy and even excited. And this is possible only because I know that as my life now, has started consuming its last breaths, its last meals and I have been reading it it�s final rites- a new life is about to be born within me. And fortunately for me, I get to keep one aspect from my old life to take with me into my new. The very best aspect if you ask me. I get to keep me.

When all is said and done, my personality, my sense of humor, my love for life and all of it�s daily chaos, my dreams, my hopes and even my fears� will all remain in tact. In essence, I get to keep my soul. And it doesn�t get any better than that.

I went to my orientation for my surgery. There were 17 other potential patients along with me and all of our support people. A rather big group. As I looked around at all of the people there, I truly felt safe. I felt at home. These new faces were/are the faces of my brothers and sisters in obesity. These are the faces of the people who like me tried many diets and failed. Who beat themselves up over eating the brownie they shouldn�t have. Who succumbed to chocolate knowing the consequences. Whose bodies just didn�t give a flying fuck what measures you went through to become thinner, healthier and happier. The bodies fought and the bodies won. And these were the faces of the people who like me, decided to put our bodies in cheque. Looking forward to the long awaited day when the pounds will all have melted away when we can look in a full length mirror at our bodies and utter the two words we have waited so many years to say�.

�Cheque Mate.�

But all of this doesn�t come without a cost. I had seen my nutritionist before the orientation. And after having been through both, I was a little unnerved at all of the things I would have to give up. I mean, I truly knew there�d be things I would have to give up to succeed. But I didn�t know just how much�. yikes.

I will no longer be able to drink from a straw. A long time habit of mine because of sensitive teeth. Drinking from a straw causes you to swallow air which is not good after the surgery. I will not be allowed any sugar ever again. But I will be able to have sugar free stuff. (What�s the point????) And as a side note, most people don�t tolerate sugars afterwards. But a few can. So there may be hope, but even so- too much sugar will cause dumping. I will no longer be able to have anything carbonated. ACK! Diet Pepsi is a staple in my life as much as bread and water are. But the carbonated gasses bloat your stomacj which is a big no-no after a stomach reduction surgery.

There were just so many little things that I didn�t think about. And yet, I know I will give them up. And for as much as I am giving up, it seems almost a small price to pay for the rewards promised� almost. But I have my guardian demons to guide and scold me should I falter. I would call them my angels but angels seems to me too kind a word for the people that even before my surgery are driving me insane with their constant and maddening prodding into my dietary choices.

I have never hidden this decision. In fact, once I decided to do it, I told everyone. I want people to know what is happening. I want people to be educated and up to date. Because the people I deal with on a daily basis, are also going to be affected afterwards. But I don�t know if right now this is a blessing or a curse? Maybe I will call it my bitter sweet curse. Because I know that when all is said and done, these people will be my support system. They�ll be the ones to catch me when I fall. And to watch me anytime I am near a soda machine or a vending machine.

But right now� I just want to be left alone, damn it! I want to enjoy my last few candy bars. I want to have my last meals at all of my favorite eateries. I want to drink Diet Pepsi�s until my inner organs are swimming in a sweet sea of carbonation! In a couple of months, I will no longer have these simple pleasures to enjoy. Why not let me satisfy my taste buds a few last times? For the love of chocolate, let me indulge! You can have the next 70 something years to chastise me for eyeing a Baby Ruth or a can of Pepsi. But these last couple of months� they�re mine. You got it?! Mine I tell you!

I think the most interesting thing I have gathered from the many people who have had the surgery, is that they have all said one thing that seems to be the same.They don�t feel any different. They see the weight loss, they know it�s gone and they have the renewed energy- but they still feel like the same person. Some people have even told me that they still feel fat on the inside.

Every time I hear this my heart leaps- with joy of course. That was the scariest thought for me. What if I get down to a much slimmer, healthier size, and then I change. What if I turn into a conceited bitch or something. At this point, anything seems possible. But everyone says no, you�re still the same person.

Well, HOT DAMN! I like who I am. I love everything about me. Sure, my mood swings like a high flying flag in a pre-tornado wind� and yes, I can even be a class A bitch. And yes, I have issues. But these issues? They�re all a part of me. And I don�t want to lost me.

After all is said and done, surgery completed, my body quite possibly half of what it once was- is still want to be me. I don�t want to lose one twinkle in my eye, one dimple in my smile or any of the crazy thoughts that randomly run through my head like a runaway freight train.

I know I am starting to sound like a broken record� but that is my biggest fear. And if I can have just that, my soul in tact- then I can get through this. Maybe not on my own. But I have a really great group of people who don�t mind being my life support. And yanno, I really don�t mind that either.

Simply,

Sara