I am at that point in my life. I have spent many a quiet night, just myself and my thoughts. I play back memories like old reel to reel films of my past. I see the family that I once belonged to- now ripped apart over time. I see the young Sara, care free and innocent. And I miss those days like no one will ever know.

My favorite memories are of 4th of July's. It is the only memory I have of when my parents were still together taht isn't tarnished with drunken arguments of finance and circumstances. My Mom would spend all day getting the gear she's need to haul us 4 kids to the park. Bliss Park is where we went, ironically. My Mom would pop what seemed like an ungodly amount of fresh popcorn and stow it in paper grocery sacks. She's pack all kinds of yummy snacks. The bug spray. Band aids.

Dad would spend all day BBQ'ing. He is the only man who could turn grilling into a sport. He would crack a few beers, stand over the grill and spend all day doing it. And before his eyes went to shit, the meat even got cooked all the way through! He would also round up the bat, ball and mitts for our afternoon softball game.

We'd load up whatever hand-me0down boat of a vehicle we had at the time and head to Bliss Park. All happy and full of love. We'd meet members of our family, make new friends and have a blast.

And then, as dusk hit, we would tune in the radio dials to the local fireworks theme music and commentation and kick back on the blankets... and it was then, in my happiest moments, that I was a child of love. A child who for one day did not have to hear the arguments, see the fights, wonder where her parents were and why they had to work so much.

Yeah... that's my happiest memory to this day.

As for my present? I'm happy... for the most part. I have a boyfriend of 10 years, we own a home, I have my own vehicle (and the note every month to prove it). I ahve an awesome job with for the most part,great co-workers. One that pays well, has the best of benefots and profit sharing (when the company isn't dicking us on it). I want for almost nothing.

And yet, I never went to college. that still tears me up. But I don't know what I woudl study. And I can't really afford it. Never felt that I could. I am not married through no fault of my own. Nor do we have the children we both dreamed of though who am I to question God's plan?

Am I where I thought I would be? No. In some points, I'm better off. On most points actually. And on very few, I am worse for wear. But you learn to take the good with the bad. I have. I just don't have to like it.

As for my future? Who knows? A lot of what I hope will come to pass lies in the hands of another. And yet, in the same respect, part of his handful depends on me. I am not fool enough to say I will be here, doing this by this time. I did that once and when it never happened, I spent months crying myself to sleep.

I pulled myself off the effexor. I wanted to see if it was really doing anything for me. It must have been doing something even in it's mild dosage. Because now, I get depressed a lot. I let things get to me more. My temper turns to rage in 2.5 seconds flat. And even I don't wanna be near me. I think tomorrow I will start my pills again and go see the doc. I don't think the dosage is high enough. I just don;t want to become a zombie.

But right now, I feel like a soul full of questions... ones without answers. A person longing for a hug in a room full of people in straight jackets.

But even so... I still ahve my arms. And if love won't reach out to me, I can still reach out to it.

There was a time when I thought it was horrible to be sad.That sadness meant weakness.

I know better now. It is the sadness and even the anger, that strengthens our faith, enlightens us to hope, and makes the happiness when found again, all that much more sweet.

Sadness is not weakness. It's a stepping stone. One to lead us out of the pits of despair and up onto the heavenly peaks of happiness.

This is where I am. This is who I have become.

And for once, that is what calms me. Because I now know who I am.

Simply,

Sara