For so many of us, and I do realize that there are a select few this doesn't apply to, we spend our whole lives searching for someone to love, for someone to love us, and for acceptance. Stopping at no cost to find those emotions, to believe in them.

But why?

What is it that makes us need to find gratification in other people? What makes it that we need to find our worth in what other people think and feel about us? What is it that makes us chase this so feverishly that we will stop at nothing less?

There is no manual we are handed at birth that says we must love, be loved and seek acceptance. So why is it that 90% of us grow into our lives doing just that?

I am one of these people. Or rather, I was. I sent a majority of my childhood and on into early adulthood on this search. I based my worth on the acceptance from those who I interacted with. I indulged in love only when I felt I was worthy, which depended on the people around me.

In all actuality, I was an emotional time bomb. Always skittish, always edgy. Always lonely. I was to scared to invest in myself because others couldn't- or wouldn't. I was a person who mimicked others in a desperate attempt to fit in. I smoked because it was cool. Now I smoke because I have a hellacious addiction. I skipped the classes I loved because the people who did accept me, skipped. I did everything, all for the sake of being loved. Being accepted.

And in retrospect, I lost who it is I actually am. Am for the past few years, I have been hell bent on finding Sara. The Sara that God made me, thankfully imperfect in every way.

I guess watching all the people interacting at work lately has made me think about this as much as I have been. "Butch" (the ex-best gal pal who I promised to rename should anyone at work find this diary... so Butch suited her :) and I have been on the outs. Will probably always be on the outs. And the worst part after our "break up" was going back to work knowing we'd be together 5 + days a week.

Well, it's been alright. We've kept it on an adult level. Well, for the most part. You see, any time I engage in conversation with anyone, Butch comes along and cuts in. Rather rudely in fact. Like for instance today, I was chatting with a guy and when she saw it, she ran up from behind, jumped on his back and took him into her world. He stopped conversing with me and moved along with her.

I'm not complaining. It is something I am quickly growing used to. I just find it intriguing. Shawn pegged her to the tee. She is the kind of person who must be the center of attention. If she's not, she will make herself be. And not only around me. This subject came up over lunch as a few of us were sitting around talking about Butch and her need to be plant ham. One of the guys at work says that in the matter of a 15 minute conversation, she manages to somehow lift her shirt enough to see her belly button ring at least 4 times. Others have brought it to my attention too.

So what causes this deep insecurity within so many of us? Butch is not alone out there... ANd to know her... my goodness. She has the perfect barbie doll frame. From her blonde hair to her hourglass figure. All heads turn when she walks through the door. I will attest to the fact that so many of us women around her would sell our souls, our firstborn, middle and final children to the devil for her looks. And yet, that doesn't even seem to be enough.

It got me to thinking...

As a general rule, we are created by love. (I said general rule, not the only rule) Our parents love us (again, I know there are exceptions), our families love us... we grow up, if we are blessed, surrounded by unconditional love and acceptance. So wouldn't it seem that we would grow up emotionally stable?

Sure, there are exceptions. There are the people who grow up feeling unwanted and a burden, as some parents may actually believe that that is what their children are. Or perhaps someone got a parent who might have their own issues they're dealing with to carry over into that relationship. Which could be one of the reasons to my initial why question.

And then, who cares?!

Why do we care so much what people think of us? If I have said it once lately, I have said it a million times, we have to love and accept ourselves before we can ever expect it out of others.

I am forever listening to friends and sometimes people I hardly know talk about how bad they want this person or that person to appreciate them. Or how they want someone to love who loves them back. Well, hello! Reality check please?

These are the very people who are constantly critiquing themselves, cutting themselves down and riding their own fannies harder than a pack mule loaded with a ton of shit. Honestly.

There isn;t a soul out there who will ever love you better or appreciate you more than you can yourself. you are the one constant in your life. You will never quit yourself, you will never walk out on yourself, you will never trade yourself in or divorce yourself.

So instead of looking elsewhere... why not look from within?

Open up your heart, dust off the cobwebs, kick off your shoes, sit back and stay for awhile. Explore its splendors.

I think one you find the good in there, you'll see others willing to explore too.

Just my two cents- for what it's worth.

Simply,

Sara