In response to last nights entry... I got a couple of comments. Thanks to Matt and Laura! Laura also e-mailed me just to say hello, talk about what I had written and update me on her life. I opened that e-mail and I felt like I had been hit with a ten thousand ton hug. It meant so much to me. She knew just what to say to make me feel better.

Especially this: (I hope you don't mind me sharing this Laura)

Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Sometimes you need to feel that so that you can appreciate the better things and to develop a new way of thinking about things.And no, you are not a drama queen. You have a real and true soul and heart, and you show it in the way that you write.You're not afraid to tell it like it is, or to show your true self.

I guess I needed to hear that more than I ever knew. To hear thatg it's okay to have doubts. That it's okay to question.

You rock, Laura... I've got the warm fuzzies!

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I was up late last night. I couldn't sleep. I don't know if it was my nerves or the combination. But I couldn;t force myself to do something my body clearly wasn't ready to do. So I updated, then hit TSO for a bit before going to bed.

Shawn was in bed reading. We chatted lightly a bit before he left the bedroom and went to read in the living room. He ended up sleeping on the futon.

I remember waking up when the alarm went off. I was also pretty pissed since it was an hour earlier than I needed to get up and I hadn't scored much sleep. I remember cussing all the way to the bathroom. Doing my business and trekking back to the bedroom. What I do NOT remember is shutting off the alarm or lying back down. The next time I woke up, Shawn was coming in the bedroom for something and I heard his Mom and brother in the kitchen... it was 5:30 p.m. I missed work. I guess my body talked itself into playing hookie after all. not that we can afford it. And I will have to be damn careful until next March. But oh well. What's done is done I guess.

His Mom and brother came over unannounced. God, I may be just being a bitch- but I HATE that. My house was a mess. The dishes weren't done, the dog had my laundry out of the baskets and strewn about, and at some point, had a mean case of the pooh pooh's and we hadn't obliged her bowels with a trip outside... you get the picture. And here was his Mom and brother, in my house. Uninvited, unannounced. And there was me, in my nightie, hair all askew and looking frighteningly like a patient just escpaed the Nut Hut. And fuming mad. Livid. I ignored their conversation... tried to go about ym business, only to find out that my family was indeed on their way up. I went from livid to panicked in 2.5 seconds.

I freaked when my sister told me there were only 1.5 hours away. I told her my house wasn't clean. She said to leave it, they didn't care. God Bless my family. Because those simple words, I know to be true. They don't care. Never have really. They're just glad for the weekend away. I'm glad to have them. So they came up. Dirty house or not.

When they arrived, my sister was a bit worried about the state of our new pool. I hadn;t taken care of it because I thought the plan was to drain it... again and refill it again after we found level ground- IF that were possible. So my Dad sent us, kids in tow, to the city. We hit Wal-Mart and bought the shock treatment and chlorine we needed. A few tidbits I picked up for Cassie and Carter. (Aunt's are meant to spoil their siblings babies are they not?) And some school supplies (I am an office/school supply FANATIC) because they had one hell of a sale.

Then we took the kids to a Playland McDonald's. To my horror and the children's astonishment, the resaurant was open, however, they closed the playplace down. What the fuck?! WHY on Earth would you close the attraction of the place down 3 HOURS before you closed the whole joint down?

My nephew was screaming that was HIS toys. He cried and cried. refused to eat. He just wanted to play. And taht's teh entire reason we went there. When I approached the staff at the counter about the kids going in for only a mere 15 minutes... just ebcause they were so upset, the lady snottily told me, "No. you can see we've just cleaned it." I promised they wouldn;t take food, drink or anything in. I would strip them naked if need be. She got real lippy and to avoid me reaching across the counter and choking her to within an inch of life... we left.

Once home, my nephew Carter started holding his ears and crying that they hurt. So my Dad and I went and got some children's asprin. He seems better now. Adam and Gena cleaned my kitchen spotless. It's the best it's ever looked. I had to excuse myself to go cry. I dind't need them thinking me a basket case. But now, I'm thinking it's definately PMS coursing thru my veins.

They watched movies. I made mexican pizzas and a salad for those who hadn't eaten. We treated the pool, watered my garden and then, when all was quiet... my Father and I sat at the table unbothered and talked. And talked. And talked. He was a bit tipsy and forgetful, but no matter. We got to chat about this and that as two adults. A treasured moment as that is so few and far between for us. He stated that fact... and the tears started.

Poor guy. My Dad is and always has been very emotional. He is not a manly man, and I say that in a good way. He thinks it's prefectly okay for a man to cry. And to do it in front of his children. I have always adored this trait. To me, it makes him more real.

So now I have a huge dose of family fixes in me. One Smirnoff Triple Black. A mexican pizza, a bit of ceasar salad and one dirty diaper under my belt.

It's been a great day... and looks like it'll be an even better weekend.

Which suits me just fine. I need it.

Simply,

Sara

And to Matt, if ya read this, sweety... the heart never dies. Don't give up on love. It won't give up on you. And me being right doesn't make me feel any better so you won't get an "I told you so" from me. Sometimes, although we know what we want (in your case to love and be loved) and what we get... are two different things. I know you've given up on God... but he hasn't on you. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. But also, keep in mind, that you're not losing anything you had from the get go. And maybe after time, she'll wake up and realize what she's giving up, who she's giving up. But in either case- it's HER loss. Not yours. Try to remember that.

You ARE a great guy. I said so damn it. And I am NEVER wrong. I am woman.

Hear me roar?!