Shawn's sister, her girlfriend and his brother came over to play a game of Risk Sunday night. Now, it's not my favorite game- but they managed to talk me into it. Samantha was the first to be killed off, then Nicole. I made it next and it was down to Shawn and Shane. Shawn ended up conquering the world by far. Which in all honesty, is nothing new. It was fun though. Shane is a cocky gamer, so we girls started feeding his shit sandwhiches right back at him. To me, that was the best part!

During the game, I hit my answering machine messages to play back and Tara was on there, so i called her back. She said she was bored, so she asked to come over. Well hell, yeah! The mroe the merrier. So she got here shortly after and we all played rounds of Euchre. I love Euchre. I think it's probably the best card game invented. I'm told it's a Michigander thing. LOL. Maybe so, but hey, we know how to have fun. LMAO!

Being on 2nd shift again has been a real trip. My body doesn't know what end is up anymore. I've been a walking zombie. My sleep patterns are all out of whack. But I didn't realize how much I missed my gang. And how much Tara missed me. LOL. When we hang out, I am the DC... Damage Control. I make sure no one drinks too much, gets too crazy, drives drunk, sleeps with someone they shouldn't. That's my job. I like it too. But without me, Tara got herself in some wild situations that still have me in stitches. Ray found himself a hot sexy boy-toy. So I have been enjoying the tid bits of steamy details. And Renee is still sweet little Renee. The half in the closet wild child. These are my friends, through the good, the bad and the hysterically insane moments. And I wouldn't trade 'em for the world.

I've also been dealing with an inner battle of self pity and shattered dreams. Shawn and I had a heart to heart Sunday night as we were cuddling up to go to sleep. He was being very tender and attentive. And being the idiot that I am, I had to ruin the moment by bringing up marriage. Crazy me, eh?

But, he decided we could talk as adults. He told me he didn't understand my obsession with wanting to get married. He says he sees it as pointless and a waste of money. That couples pay ungodly sums to have their big fancy weddings only for a slip of paper that doesn't matter. That you buy all the stuff for the wedding and get nothing out of it but that paper. And that being married doesn't mean forever. Couples can be married 30 years and still end up in divorce....

Ok, I can't fault him for the testosterone that is clouding his opinions and ideas on marriage can I? I mean, this is obviously his point of view. He's an ordinary man. But heaven's to Betsy... what the hell. So here I am, feeling all lovey dovey and then he says that. Can ya say "Verbal cold shower?"

He told me it has nothing to do with me at all. That he DOES love me. And that he is NOT going anywhere. That whenever he thinks of "in the future" I am always there with him. But am I really? Can I continue as we are and forsake dreams that I have dreampt for as long as I can remember?!

I love Shawn with my entire heart and soul. He is the only man I have loved so deeply and completely. Although we have our monets of trials and tribulations... he is my everything. I always think of him as my own personal "clichet". When people refer to their other half... I know exactly what they mean. For me, Shawn is my other half. And the thought of life without him scares, saddens and tears my heart into pieces...

I made a joke about him not being the marrying kind. He said he had never thought about it but right now, that suited him. My heart broke. This September will mark our 10 years of togetherness. We have lived together for 7 of those years. We have been together inseperably 4 of those years since we live AND work together. He's all I know.

And... he's the one. I feel it.

BUT... in 10 years, I thought I'd have had a ring by now. Long before now really. I was ready 5 years ago. But I knew he wasn't, so I waited. Patiently. Tinking he'd be ready someday soon. Now, it looks like I could wait 10 more years, hell maybe 20. Maybe it would never happen. What then? Can my love for him over power my dreams of the traditional white wedding I have had planned since I was a little girl? Can my love for him forsake the dream of my father walking me down the aisle and handing me over to him? Can my love for him forego the dream of a lifetime commitment before God, our family and friends?

To what extend will my love allow me to forego my dreams?

For now, I can't answer that. There isn't one to be had. I have been searching my soul non stop. The only conclusions I have come up with are that right now, I am willing to wait for awhile longer. We've come too flipping far and jumped too many hurdles to give up so easily right now. But can I go forever with no wedding, no life long commitment?

Everything within me screams no. That I would be cheating myself. That one day if he cannot commit, I will hate him. But my heart, it keeps begging me to hang in there and to hold on tight. That int his lifetime, I will only have one Shawn. And right now, I'm going with my heart...

But just for the record....

LOVE HURTS!

Simply,

Sara