For the past 3 weeks, I have been one hell of a happy camper. Perhaps because I have been making it a point to get out at the very least, one night a week after work. And it's usually just me. Shawn and I drive to work seperately and he heads home, while I head out to do whatever it is I have planned. Tara and I have resuccitated an old friendship that kind of fell to the way side last year. Man, it's been good to have friends again. Especially a friend like Tara. She doesn't make me feel anything less than an equal, she let's me be me. And in return, I let her be her. No false pretenses, no phony b.s. It's all good.

For the past 3 weeks, I have spent nights on Tara's couch. We have gone to the bar and ended up at her house, just stayed at her house and partied, etc. Last weekend, I went to her house after work on Friday and did not return to my house until Sunday afternoon. It was a glorious weekend.

We stopped of and bought some groceries and alcohol after work. She bought beer (EWWW!) And I settled on making a brand new friend: Jose Cuervo (Gold!) Tara and Vicky (Tara's roomie and another good friend of mine) made me margueritas! Oh my! Man, Tara can make a blender sing. I was filled with warm fuzziews all weekend.

Vicky took us to dinner last saturday at Rancho Grande, an "authentic" mecican cuisine restaurant. The place was freezing, but the food was good. It was missing the ture mexican zip, but good none the less. Then I dragged them to Talk of the City. The local adult novelty store that sells anything and everything fun, educational and just plain kinky for sexual pleasure. My God, did we have a blast. We laughed quite a bit and made jokes and the like. Vicky picked up a 10 pound HUGE dildo and kept waving it at Tara saying 'You want some of this!' Man, did we laugh. We saw a butt plug fit for an elephants ass and near dioed from our laughter. I bought them each a Life-Saver. (A small vibrator wrapped in a package to look like a slightly enlarged roll of Lifesavers)They're very cute. We went up to purchase them and the guy popped in batteries to assure their working status. The gals about shit. Vicky looked horrified. I had to explain that they cant let you buy something, have it not work when ya use it and then have ya bring it back. That would be gross and uncool. So we laughed about that.

Then as we were loading back into Tara's blazer, she had seen something she wanted but was too embarrassed to buy, so I told her that I would go get it for her. As I went in to get it, I saw Larry standing there. My boss's boss. I just laughed. He was looking at pornos. He saw me, flushed 10 shades of red and was visibly horrified at being caught. I just chatted and grabbed Tara's thing and headed to the counter. Larry left his pornos to come chat just as the guy inserted the 3 'c' batteries into what I bought Tara and it gave a loud groun and started flopping around on the counter. That was the last I saw the horrified boss-man. I heard him squawking out of the parking lot as I left the store. Even above my laughter. Tara and Vicky were in the truck laughing as they watched him leave all hurried. What fun. It's been the talk of the plant lately. Anytime someone asks him about it, he mentions the dildo I was purchasing. I am NOT embarrassed, but he still seems to be. What fun.

I have been draggin Tara and Vicky to Side Traxx. The local gay disco. I love that place. I am by definition: A Fag Hag. (Just ask my gay friends) I love being in the gay club. Gay people are awesome partiers. They know good dance music, they can shake their money makers, and its all just plain fun. Side Traxx by far has the BEST dance music. We even had a friend of a friend drive so I could drink. Usually, I am the D.D. But as it turned out, I could have still been. I forgoit my I.D. What an embarrassment. They charged me $7 more tyhan everyone else to get in, they stamped each hand with Under 21 stamps AND I had to wear a bracelet. The marks of fucking shame I tell ya! But I had fun anyways! Tara and Vicky really shook their money makers. Tara got hit on by just about every lesbian... which I found quite fun. One even rubbed on my leg. I was in awe. Tara even had a gay male waitor kiss her full on the lips. SMACKEROOS! Man, did I get a kick out of that! I told her she can even make a gay man want a woman. She still gets all embarrassed.

Work has been crazy. We lost a huge part of our work force Monday. I cried. Apparently, we had one mexican who tured in some papers for work that stated he was an illegal alien. So they HAD to notify INS. So they did an internal sweep. We all used to joke that if INS ever came thru it would shut down the shop. It did. We lost some 30 something people. People that had been there years some of them. Our best workers by far. Now we have a shitload of Temps we have to train. Quality's worst nightmare. And of the people we lost... some of them were good friends. Ya can;t work hour after hour with people, day in and day out like we do, without getting personal. As some of them came back and said good-bye, I cried. MY heart bled for them and still does. And even more sadly, one of those people was Vicky. It's all unfair. I know there's a reason the country does things the way they do. But these are people like you and me, just out to put food on the table for themselves and their families. Rules may be rules. But it's still sad. It doesn't ease the hurt.

On a happier note, Tara and some of her relatives (Most of which I have yet to meet) are going on a weekend trip next weekend to Niagra Falls. She invited me. I didn;t think I would be able to afford it. But Shawn has some money coming in this week, and is going to give me what I need to go. He knows how badly I wanted to go, and he knows how badly I NEED to get away. He told Tara I was going before he even told me. I cried when Tara told me he was giving me the money to go. he is so giving. so kind. And goodness, I know I bitch and whine and get frustrated. But he does something like this and I love him. More than life, I love him. Not because he gives me things... but because in his own odd quirky ways, he loves me. For me. Unconditionally. He puts up with my temper tantrums, my depressive funks and all my merry-go-round displays of emotion.

I am still wanting to get married and he is not. But someday. I gently prod and poke and hint. But he doesn't care. I know he hates being pushed. But I can;t help it. I have my whole wedding planned. I have 3 of them planned. He can choose between the three. I figure a guy has to have some sort of choice, eh?

I just went 3 months with no period. I took a pregnancy test even though I knew I shouldn;t have. Whenever I buy the test all caution goes out the window and my hopes soar far too high. Well, I peed on the little stick, watched it give one pink line, then two.... I was pregnant. I called to Shawn who rushed into the bathroom, I was shaking, bawling and all so happy! For maybe 5 minutes. I read the stick wrong. Had it backwards. Negatory. Denied. No baby. Devastation set in. I'm starting to get over it now. But man. I cried myself to sleep that night. A week later, I can laugh a little. I just keep thinking for 5 minutes, I was the happiest woman alive. For 5 brief minutes, I knew what it was like to feel the joy of two loving people uniting to give birth to their joined hearts. For 5 minutes, I felt truly complete. But I'm just me again. And now, I am thinking maybe I should just let nature work it's magic and let God do his job. Maybe one day Shawn and I will have a baby. Maybe not. Either way, I can still be happy. Either way, life will still go on.

WQell, I think that's enough for now. I need to shower and get my day started.

By the way, I found a liver recipient! And that more so than my new friend Jose Cuervo, gives me the warm fuzzies.

Simply,

Sara