If you have never been a queen sized woman, or man for that matter (but that'd make you a King!).. you won;t know what I mean. But I have for all of my life been big. Not just big. As the doctors call it- Morbidly obese. I am 5'10"-ish. I weight 360lbs. I am not even going to feign denial. I am fat. There it is in black and white for the whole world to see. I am fat.

Being fat has never bothered me. Well, only in certain cases. Like when I go shopping for clothes. Most stores are kind enough to know that not everybody is a 90lb. super model. But... their kindness most generally ends there. Every damn time, the store puts their plus sized woman's sections off in a little dark corner, with their own dressing rooms (I AM grateful for that much). They are hard to find, it's anoying. I usually get to the point like the last time I went to J.C. penney's and said

"Hey, Lady? Where's the heiffer section?"

They all blush and act like I am out of my mind. It's not me. It's them. So I am fat. Point established. Do these people want a fucking cookie? Do I not walk around through all parts of the store, carrying my eweight in the open? Why hide the clothes I want to look at? I am NOT ashamed at being big. I have never known what life was like as skinny. And quite honestly, I don't wanna. All of todays society seems to be caught in an anorexic-diet fad trying limbo. Nuh uh. No thanks. Please pass the cheesecake. To me, no offense, most skinny people are ugly. I don;t like the way bones stick out and their joints look fragile. They look like they're all sucked up and stretched out inside. Nope. I like my meat. Its more cushion for the pushin... slap the fat and ride the wave, baby! I am a woman to be cuddled with. I have love handles. What's there to be ashamed of? So I jiggle a bit more. I can;t bend myself into a pretzel. And I don't look good in a tummy top and daisy dukes. But I can look damn good. I don;t inhale food and eat 7 plates at dinner. I am human. I may eat more than you. But so what?

But now, I don;t feel so healthy. My weight affects my asthma. (So does my smoking. Ugh) My joints ache and now theres heart problems. So now, it's time to quit fighting for Fat Pride, eat a piece of humble pie, and give in. So this gastric bypass was brought up. So many people I know have done it. It successful. I won;t be able to eat sugary stuff. And greasy foods will be out. And I'll only be able to eat really small portions. But my health will improve. After months of research and debate. I ahve decided. I will do it. It feels right. I can;t explain it any better than that. But I don;t wanna get too skinny. Ifr I could get to 200 lbs. 180 at the absolute lightest... I would be happy.I can FINALLY say that I want to lose the weight for me. NOT because I can;t go into the Gap and buy clothes. NOT because someone called me a pig or oinked at me while I sat eating in the food cart. NOT because it's trendy. But for ME! Because I love life. Because I love me enough to want me to be healthy. And, I must admit, because it would be nice to not have to spend hours in search of the "heiffer section" ever again. Yes, next year, I will, indeed, sign myself in. My life will change forever... drastically. But I am a challenge driven woman. And I've got a few back up drivers... just in case I get lost.

Okay, enough about that. Not to many new things ahve occured in life lately. I was told that they may be cutting 4 people in my department.. I would be one due to my seniority. I would be the last to go. I lost sleep last night over it. I LOVE my job and what I do. I ahve not operated a machine or been tied to one in over 2 years. I don;t know if I have it in me anymore. Not to mention the drastic cut in pay. But then again, I heard they would restructure, but not eliminate positions. I hope it is the latter of the 2. Keep your fingers crossed.

I ahven;t had a period in what will be 3 months the 15th. Gross to talk about, I know. But true. Shawn and I have been "trying" for 6 years now at least. I say trying lightly. As of this month, we are together officially 9 years. And only once in our whole 9 years of scrumpin' have we used a condom. Neither of us like it, we have been totally monogomus. So who cared. Well, then after our 3 years, we decided we both wanted kids, if it happened, it happened. Then, a couple years ago, we got to thinking that NO ONE got that lucky. So we went to the doctors. A few visits later, we realized my weight played a factor, also did my tipped pelvis, and he has some "lazy swimmers". I was devastated. But all hope was not lost. We quit fertility visits and figured, what God wants for us is what will be. So I have been praying extra hard. I said once if I didn;t have babies by 25 I would quit trying. I am now 26. I'm still begging God for a miracle, but fastly losing hope. And now, here I am 3 months late. It's happened before. I am almost never normal. And skip periods quite frequently. Though usually not this long.

So here I sit. Praying for a miracle. Morbidly obese. And thinking that I might be demoted. Anyone have any prozac?

On a happier note, Ange is back. I saw she wrote in her diary and all seems to be well. I forgot she went on a trip. I'm glad to know things are good for her.

My sister e-mailed me. My niece turns 6 the 12th. My, how fast they grow. Cassidy is my clone. To a tee. And I love her to death. If I never have a child, I will have my heart invested completely in her and her brother Carter.

I still haven't found anyone to help me work on this diary that knows html. I paid for Gold membership but can;t use it, go figure.

Tara and I noticed that we might get yet another weekend off. There's a couple day spas in town and we want to go this weekend. Massages, herbal wraps (she called it a spinach wrap for some reason) and all that jazz. It sounds wonderful. I hope to goodness I can afford it... if not, I might be in the doghouse with Shawn, cuz good grief, the bills might not be paid. I AM GOING!

Anyhow, I've ranted enough. I'm off to lose myself in EverQuest for a bit.

Adios mi amigos y amigas!

Sara