I woke up today at 11 a.m. I was in a state of near hysteria and cold sweats. I know I had been dreaming... but of what and of whom I haven't a clue. I had lain there awhile smoking cigarettes and willing myself to remember to no avail before sleep once again consumed me.

I awoke again at 2:35 p.m. In order to be to work in time, we would have had to have left 10 minutes pryor... we would not make it within the 5 minute grace period. So I was docked another days occurance. And tell me, Diary, what is the point of going in when it's the same as if you call in other than for the sake of the money. But what worries me the most, and to no end, is that we are allowed 9 absences. No more. This was our 9th. If I am more than 5 minutes late or miss one more day, I am fired. And the same goes for Shawn. I am doomed. I know I will not make it to February. There is no way. Shawn has never, nor will he ever hear alarms. No matter how loud or how many, he will always be able to sleep thru them all. And if I have sleepless nights like I have been exeriencing as of late... I don;t always hear the alarms either.

A few months ago I wouldn;t have cared. I had been over worked and started hating my job. But now the hours are as normal as one can get. I am now paid well over most people in the area. I am doing a job I love, and the benefits are far beyond anything I will ever get again. They are beyond amazing. And now, I sit here knowing that it won;t be long, and it will all be gone. I will be without a job, without an education to fall back on ... and the bills won't wait for me to find a new job.

I don't think i could ever go back to another factory. No... I have seen enough of factories in my life time with my current job. I could go back to working in the direct care homes I used to work for. But the pay was mere peanuts and the benefits non-existant. Yet, I was once happy.

When I lose my job, I will ahe no way to afford my bills, let alone go back to school as I had planned. No insurance to cover the medications I need, or to pay for the gastric bypass surgery I have decided to have. And no way to pay for Dr. Vann. Who, by the way, I finally called and scheduled for Thursday.

I have only been to Dr. Vann a few times, and he is not what I expected, to say the least... But I actuallyu find him a breath of fresh air from the normal everyday shrinks that I had dealt with long long ago. At least with him, I can vent. I can be honest. And he is neutral. He doesn't take one side or another or criticize. I needed that in the worst possible way.

It is already after 7 p.m. I haven't done much with my day. I have no monies for one. Payday is tomorrow thank God. But the bills still remain unpaid due to the layoff. I watched a movie I had taped, The Net. It was good, and for a brief while, I forgot my problems. But they're back. Then I finished my book. Which is always sad... le sigh.

It's hot. So hot that I am near miserable. The house is empty save for myself and Shawn, tho he has been doing his own thing since he got up. And I don;t feel like cooking, cleaning, t.v., gaming or anything. Just wallowing in my misery.

But hey, it has to get better right? The only way it will get worse is when I lose my job. And I'm hoping, I get at least a couple more months in...