Once again, my relationship with Shawn is on the rocks. I love him, and I know he loves me. I have never, ever doubted that in any way. But sometimes, like someone wise once told me- love isn�t always enough. I thought for sure he had finally come �round after the past 11 years of being together to marrying me. He hasn�t. And you can�t possibly know how bad that fucks with my head and places deep hurt in my heart! For those of you who don�t know, I have known Shawn practically my entire life. Since like 1st grade we�ve been best friends. I crushed after him for years before I could even get him to give me a second look. And then in high school, I finally won his heart and our life together began. That was eleven years ago. You�d think by now that a man, even the most commitment leery man would know whether or not he wanted to spend the rest of his life with his partner. 11 years for Pete�s sake. Not Shawn. He doesn�t hesitate to want to start a family with me. But yet, I�m not good enough to commit a lifetime to. I guess my womb should be jumping for joy, eh?

And now, just as my sisters predicted, I am noticing the men who are always staring at me. Hitting on me. Making comments to me. And they�re real men. And a lot of them are sexy! Shawn hates this fact since my recent weight loss. Hates it. But I will admit, I love it. I encourage and appreciate it. It makes me feel so much more like a woman. And experiencing all of this makes me think that if Shawn won�t marry me and love me the way I need to be loved, demand to be loved� there might be someone out there who will. In fact- I know there is. Before, I used to think myself unworthy of such happiness. But recently, I have changed my mind. I am not beneath dreaming of a wedding, babies and a tender, loving relationship that is not one sided.

I would almost dare to say that my time with Shawn is ending, Not because I want it to, good God, just the opposite. But I have been holding on to him and what I hoped he could be for me for so long that I can�t bear to put myself through much more. No matter what, I love Shawn. I will always love him. And I hope that should we end up parting ways at any given moment- that we could do so amicably. I know breaking up is never easy, but it doesn�t have to be ugly either. I wish nothing but happiness and love for Shawn. That�s all I have ever wanted for him. For us. But I can�t stick around just to be a convenience for him. I don�t want to be with him because we�re comfortable. I want the passion, the love, the tenderness and everything that goes with a �normal� relationship. I don�t think anyone should ever have to settle for less!

It�s been weird at work. The guys are all constantly hitting on me. Not that any of them would ever stand a chance! (Maybe one of them..) But they never gave me a second thought when I was 99 pounds bigger. So although I enjoy the attention and flirtations- that�s all it is to me. Fun, nothing more- nothing less. But just this past Saturday, one of the older gentlemen at work who is usually grouchy and insane called me �gorgeous, hot, drop-dead sexy�. When I laughed he walked away, but then he came up to me and explained that he meant it all. He said that I have always been pretty, but how much more I am now at a healthier weight. And that if not now, soon- men would be falling at my feet. I can�t tell you how awesome that was to hear! And you know what, I believed him!

Everyone has been damn surprised at my confidence. I am myself actually. I have so much new self-esteem and confidence that often I wonder if I am coming off as conceited. But all are quick to assure that I am not should I ask. Which is good. I don�t ever want a big ego. I wanna be confident, convinced- not conceited. I am too. And it�s so awesome. I hope to soon be able to post picture of me on here. Maybe my before and my after. And hopefully can keep adding updated ones. I have even had it requested that I post a pic of my scar. I might could do that too. After all, it�s a proud thing for me to bear and I don�t hide it. It is what it is, and I like what it stands for. For the first time in my life, I literally got off my fat ass and took charge of my life. I was able to push aside my fears. And for once in my 28 years, I made a decision on my own without worrying how it affected people. It was enlightening and empowering. And I hope to never, ever lose that again. That is what gets me through the rough times no matter how bad things get.
I�m starting to get a bit tired and need some nourishment. Not to mention my ass, now NINETY NINE (Yes, you heard me right!) pounds lighter has less padding and needs a break. But I would like to ask one request before I submit this entry. I need to ask for your prayers tonight. Your well wishes and kind thoughts. My brother came to see me at work a couple of nights ago. His son, my nephew, Tyler has taken ill. The doctor�s seem to think that my baby has either a clogged artery or an enlarged heart. Tyler is only 8 months old! And I�m scared, damned scared. I�ve already had a good cry over it- but I can�t think the worst. I REFUSE to do that. With all of these modern medicines and technology, he just has to be okay. I won�t accept any other option. But a few extra prayers for Tedde, Adam and their son Tyler couldn�t hurt, right?

Hugs and hand pounds, Y�all!

Simply,

Sara

p.s. I got my gold membership back! (does the touch down dance)