Today has been a day that will not be written into my memory books with fondness. I mean, nothing earth shattering happened or anything. It just wasn't one of my better days.And I had such high hopes.

I had to be up at 11:30 a.m. to be showered, dressed and walking out the dorr but 12:15 p.m. and on my way to my Doctor's office for an appointment. Other than having a bad hair day, I was in a reasonably good mood for having to get up so early- after staying up so late. When I arrived, I got into the exam room without delay. I had Shawn come too so he could be in on all the details of today's visit. Today was the day I let the good doctor know that I have decided to have gastric bypass surgery. not a decision I entered into lightly. At first when the suggestion was made, I was kind of gung-ho about it. I was thinking this was a way to get thinner, healthier and not have to struggle through food deprivations, stresss and unecessary frustration. Not to mention the devastation of trying to become thinner, and nothing I do working.

And then, I find out it's a 13-14 hour surgery. Under anesthesia and the knife for so long? Which that fact alone increases the risk of the surgery. Then I heard about people becoming sick, people having it undone. And I became leary. And I promised myself that if I wasn't 85% sure of being sure this was right for me, I wouldn't do it. I also heard that 1/200 people who opt to go through with this procedure die. ugh. Those are odds I wouldn't wanna bet my life on, yanno?

but I have been doing my reasearch. I know now taht the odds are getting better everyday. I also found out that they can now do the surgery with a scope and not have to slice you in half. And I now know many people who have had it done. I have seen their results. I see their once sullen, plain faces turn into faces radiating happiness and pride. These people once as big as me, now strutting their stuff so happily, so proudly... how can I not want that?

I am not looking through the rose colored glasses. the odds still aren't the greatest. The recovery is still extremely painful and trying. I know that sanity becomes something you have to hold tight to as the world you once knew and the body you once lived in all morph into something else completely. And that fact alone has sent people off the deep edge.

I will never be skinny. Not as in the skinny most people thing of. My body will always be thick with meat. I will always be solid. but I don't have to be grotesquely so. My body does not have to be somehting that slowls me down, hinders me and makes we want to cry. It no longer has to tear at my health causing me to be sick all the time, tires and depressed.

I have made the decision to get healthy. To become thinner. And after fad dieting, fasting and an ugly bout with bulemia- I ahve decided to go legit. Some may see the gastric bypass surgery as a cop out. I see it as an answer to lifetime of prayers. And I finally got off my fat ass and got it in the works.

I am now on phase two- meeting with the surgeon. I called to make an appointment and they took down all of my info. But I ahve to speak to the nurse practitioner who happens to be off work this week and won;t be able to get back with me until sometime next week. ugh. Like I want to wait. But at least, for now, I've got the ball rolling.

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I finally got through the the lady who took our applications and had them processed for a home loan. Denied. I got a big fat "Sorry about your luck. Your credit sucks. It's hopeless. Don;t come back now y'hear?" ... Okay, so she didn't say it quite like that. in fact, she was rather nice about it. And I could hear the frustration in her voice as she gave me some numbers to call to see what had to be done to get financed. If I knew then, what I know now about credit... i'd have never let mine get so shitty. Noone ever preaches to people growing up how important it is. Mine's mostly hospital bills and a couple bad credit cards. And not a lot. But enough. And that was devastating. If I can't even get financed to be bonafide trailer trash... what the fuck?!

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And then when we got to work, no hope. No call from Hope. And no one knows anything. Including her brother. So she lost her job. 3 no call-no shows = voluntary termination. I just wanna scream. I want to hunt down that little half pint and shake her so hard her teeth chatter. I wanna jar some sense into that pretty little bubble head of hers.

But... I'm not her Momma. And I can't make her decisions for her. And this time, she didn't let me hold her hand.

So that's been my day. My world didn't fall apart(yet), work hasn't gone to bad and the machines have been running well (for now) and one good point (the silver lining one needs to get through the day) it's payday! And my mood for once has not been soured by the days events. I refuse to let it. I ... will .... not ... succumb... Because even on the worst of days, we get angry. We might even cry. I personally like to hit and smash things. And then we go to bed, we wake up and then we get over it. start a new day, and hopefully a better one, right?!

But like I said, It's payday! Bills be damned... emotional shopping anyone?

Simply,

Sara