But I now know it to be true. In retrospect, I guess I ahve known it all along. And I often wonder should I have spooken my mind more instead of being passive and supportive. Should I have shaken my head instead of nodding non-chalantly? Should I have spoken my mind more instead of worrying about hurting her feelings? Perhaps. But perhaps not. Maybe had I been more agressive and warned her that she was slowly losing her grip with all realities, she would have pushed me away. I mean after all, in the end, do we not all do what we want? What we think is best for ourselves no matter what people say?

Well that's what my friend ended up doing. For the sake of anononymity... I'll call her "Hope." The psudonym seems to suit her as she was always hoping for something better. Always hoping for something more. And always hoping that some day, no matter how crazy her dreams seemed to be- that they would find a way of coming true.

In a sense, I guess I admire Hope for her spirit. For her unwavering belief that everything would turn out just the way she dared to dream it. And I guess, in a sense... it kind of did. And she's happy from what I can tell. but the cost of her happiness has led me to despair and rage. Left me crying crocodile teardrops into my pillow late into the night. And left me wondering if there is not some way I could kidnap her from her maddness and have her commited to the closest "Nut Hut" around. Because Hope surely needs to be in one... let me give you the short version of Hope's story...

Hope and I met at work. We became fast friends as we both found out that each of us were avid religious observers. We were both studying religion and beliefs, and often e-mailed one another over the networks to comment or converse about what we had learned. After awhile, the network e-mails turned into shared lunches in the break rooms, to hanging out on weekends, and then into a blossoming friendship taht for 4 years has seen each other to the bowels of hell and back.

Lately, both of us struggled with our relationships. both of us have been with our men for years. And yet neither of us had gotten our dream weddings or the babies we both so desperately wanted. The only difference between her and my relationships were that she has a teenage daughter and I don't. And her relationship for quite awhile was that of a partying lifestyle and mines the exact opposite.

Well, we started playing The Sims Online together and Hope started talking to men. Falling for one and almost throwing everything away for him before realizing he was not going to marry her. then we both joined the menfolk from work and moved onto Star Wars Galaxies where we were enrapt with the game. Totally caught up in every aspect... and for her, the men she was gaming with.

All of a sudden, hope started talking about how she wanted to get out of her realtionship and move on. Which I kind of understood. But then she started talking about these guys we ganmed with. And then she stopped talking to her real life friends who also played, and only talking to the men she was gaming with and hadn't met. At work, she's give me the low down on what was going on in game because she was too busy in game to chat with us. And each conversation turned more and more towards the relationships she was building with these new men. And then there were phone calls to and from them. A new cell phone bought solely for the purpose of the men not having to call her home phone where her boyfriend might pick up.

And now, she is in another country, visiting a man she met in the game. A man who wouldn;t send his picture to her for fear that she wouldn't want to meet him. She told none of her friends that she was going. She took vacation from work for a week and told us all that she was going to see her sick grandfather. Now, I know she's in another country, staying with the man from the game. The very man that she has known such a short time, and only in person for two days. And she's so goddy. I'm cusiing her out for scaring me half to death and lecturing her on the fact that for all she knows, he could be a rapist, a freak or worse- a murderer. And she tells me not to worry, he's sexy. (Like that eases my mind in any way!) And that tomorrow (today now) she's marrying him!

MARRYING HIM!!!

She's gone out of her fucking mind. Hope has flipped her lid. Flew over the cukoo's nest. Toally, completely... INSANE! And she's moving to the other country. Quitting her job, selling her house if she can, giving up her joint custody of her teenage daughter (whom I guess gave her 13 year old blessing?!) and moving to a foreign country, to be with a man- now her husband, after knowing him in person for 48 hours?! Leaving behind her life, her family, her friends. And hurting so many people in the process...

And what can I do? What can I say? How can I make her see?

But after much thought, I know I can't. That her life decisions are hers to make, and hers alone. And I know that as a best friend, I can only watch her make these mistakes... maybe get my two cents heard for what they're worth... and pray to God Almighty that he has his fleet of angels on stand by in case she needs them- which I'm all too sure she will. And as a best friend, I ahve to sit on the sidelines, now from another country and watch her make this huge mistake (or so I believe) and know that at best, I can only be there to watch her fall. Maybe to try to catch her. And if nothing else, to pick her up and help brush her off and patch the hurt.

I'm scared for Hope. I'm in anguish. I'm devastated. And angry as all hell at all the hurt she's causing. And I can't help but wonder what kind of man would be such a willing participant in all of this. But I know. I truly do. A man like Hope... desperate to be loved at any cost. A man who cannot appreciate life as a single person. Someone who bases their worth in a ring on their finger and an empty vow.

I pray now for Hope's safety, her happiness and above all, her mental stability to come back.

And for now... I feel so fucking helpless. More so than ever before in my life. And I don't like it... not one fucking bit.

Simply,

Sara

P.S. And if by some chance you read this Hope, PLEASE.... Put the proverbial crack pipe down, and back away slowly... please?