I just haven't felt much like thinking. Or debating- even if only in my own head. Until today, when faced with the everyday challenge of a day off of work and a house screaming to be cleaned from one end to the other.

So here I am... ready to think, debate and air my thoughts, feelings and whatever strikes my fancy. Buckle up... and please, know that some of what i might write about here may be offensive. Keep in min that these are only MY thoughts, MY opinions and do not reflect anyone elses. I refuse to hide who I am...

That said... here goes.

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The first thing weighing on my mind is religion. I can already hear tghe groans of those who might be sick of talking about it. But it's everywhere. For some reason, just about any conversation I get involved with heads towards religion. People are always bitching that it doesn't belong in schools, that too many people are trying to force what they feel is right on others, blah blah blah.

I had this conversation with a guy I met on TSO. He's a really great gut, and I love getting the chance to chat with him. One night, I got rather frustrated. He said there could not be a God, because he had prayed so hard, for so long and never got what he prayed for. I was dumb struck. Now, I don;t pretend to know that I knew the circumstances he had been through, or even what he praid for. But his lack of faith and shock in mine left me a bit- stirred.

I firmly believe that God answers all pareyers. Be it the way you want Him to or not. Whether your looking for the answer he sent or not. However, I go to bed and as I nightly ritual, beg God for a million bucks or a winning lotto ticket. I know that He's not going to send me those. But one day, I got a whole nunch of Play the Lotto junk mails in the mail box. I often think that God has quite the sense of humor.

My believed higher power, whom has given birth to life, to souls, and the power to question and reason. I believe in a God who made the ultimate sacrifice, and in He who gave me breath, a soul, a mind and the ability to dream... and through those dreams, the ability to fly. (even if only figuratively speaking)

There are some people whom doubt in the Lord, that have questioned how I can believe in a God which I cannot see, cannot converse with, and cannot know truly exists. Which, in turn, I beg to differ. I CAN see God, I see him in all of his wonderous creations. I see him in the hearts of so many. And I CAN converse with God. I pray to him, and though he may not answer me as you or the next person would, I hear his answers. They come to me through an inner voice deep within my soul. And sometimes, he sends his answers through other people, or other means. And I know he exists through records kept throughout the ages, The Bible, the churches, history. And more importantly, I FEEL him. Within every fiber of my being.

And hypothetically, let's just say that when I die, there is no heaven or hell. Let us say that when I die, there is in fact no God, no promised glories- only emptiness. Then so be it. The way I look at things, there are no guarantees in life that anything I say or believe is right or true. But my faith in God and in all that he stands for gives me peace. It gives me a reason to wake up each day and smile, my faith gives me hope, happiness and the thought that no matter what wrongs I do, I will always be forgiven, loved and important to Him.... unconditionally. With all that God gives me freely, how can I go wrong?

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Next subject: Smoking. This smokers point of view.

I have been a smoker since I was 14 and a freshman in high school. I dare to say that I even dabbled in it long before then on and off. I started, and I know this is going to sound corny, to be cool. All the kids I hung with- smoked. So to get in, you fit in. And I fit in with the best of them. Does that mean if they jumped off a bridge I would follow suit as my Dad would say? No, a bridge is up high and I am scared to death of heights.

I am not proud of being a smoker. And I have tried on several occasions to quit. I still swear off smoking one a week. But unless you're a smoker... you don;t know how hard it is! There are no smoking rehab centers where you can check yourself in and be surrounded by non-smoking supporters. Sure, there are the patches, the gums, the hhypnosis and all kinds of cracker jack ways to supposedly quit. I've tried most of them. But until someone can cure the hand to mouth thing, for me, they're rather useless.

And to be quite frank, I LIKE smoking. I like the way they taste, I like the way they make me feel. When I quit for a month, I was so depressed. I felt like I had lost my social edge and sometimes, my best friend. I was also very emotional. Edgy. Angry. One minute I'd be high on life, the next minute I'd be sobbing at the mere sight of one of my many collected ash trays.

I know that smoking can cause cancer. So do diet sodas, half the chemicals in the plant I work at, and a gazillion other things we use daily in life. I know my risk. And yet- I still smoke.

I know they smell and make a smoker smell like them. I use perfume, I chew gum and breathmints, I use fabric softener. It gets really aggravating to hear non-smokers tell me I smell like smoke. Well fucking DUH! I'm sorry that doesn't suit you. But you know the worst part of that whole deal? These are the people who forgot to bathe, haven't yet found deodorant, or bathe daily in a pool of cologne or perfume that it brings water to my eyes. We all smell in ways. Some more pleasant than others. If I smell that bad, step away. That's what I do.

The all time horror of us smokers, are the ignorant ones though. I can even be big enough to admit it. Those are the smokers who put they're cig butts everywhere except the proper places. Ones who throw their still lit cigs out the car window and light the sides of the road on fire. Who stub them out on the sidewalks, litter parking lots, etc. That really annoys me, and I am a smoker. I am a firm believer that if people quit being ignorant smokers, and paid more attention, non-smokers would bitch less.

I can respect non-smokers. I don't smoke around people who prefer not to smell it. I don't leave my butts everywhere. And I bought special ash trays for my car that are smokeless ashtrays that hand on the window edge so I don't have to flick my butt out the window. That's just not cool to me.

However, you can't please everyone. I can't not smoke in bars. Smoking and drinking go together like socks and shows. They just work together. And I dont patron eateries unless they're absolutely awesome that don't have a smoking section.

Let's face it. Smoking is an addiction. I am an addict. The way I see it, it could be worse. I just wish others would see it that way too.

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Okay, that's two maor rants I've gotten off my chest. I feel better. There'll be more later I'm sure. But for now, I must return to my dishes who refuse to do themselves despite my constant pleading and bribery.

Until then....

Simply,

Sara