Today hasn't been one of my better days to say the least. Especially for poor Shawn who has had to deal with my mood swings. Every time I snapped at him, lashed or or even gave him "the look", I inwardly cringed. But for some reason, I couldn't stop myself. And so now, we're not really speaking to one another. He is in front of his computer probably running plots of torture or my death thru that gorgeous head of his, and I am in front of my computer, writing a new entry into my diary and praying that I will find a way to make ammends or at least keep myself from lashing out at the one person who above all has put up with more shit from me than anyone should ever have to. I keep telling myself he's "used to it"- as if that should make me feel better. Psssht. More like worse. But I don;t know what to say to him. Even "I'm sorry" seems like a broken record and one without much worth. So here I am... venting.

This whole day long mood I ahve been is all my own damn fault. I heard the alarm, got up, let the dog out and started my morning routine. Then laid down beside Shawn desperately wanting some cuddle time. I knew better than to have shut off the alarm completely. But I did. And not long after we entangles our bodies in a chaotic spoon position... I was out again. I awoke just in time to hear him tell me we over slept for work. Grrr. Like we can afford another day off financially or occurance either. But another occurance we got. So we stayed home.

I was so frustrated at myself. Shawn made sure not to yell, blame me, or start a war. He was very kind actually and joking about it. This time, it was my fault and not his. Well, hip hip hooray for that. Not!

I tried talking him into taking me to dinner, which spurred a crude lecture on our recent financial devastation and that irked me. I know it shouldn't have, but it did. So, being full of piss and vinegar clear up to my hair roots, I lashed out. I went on about how I worked my ass of at work only to cvome home, cook, clean, care for him and the animals. That he never helps, that Im tired of working so damn hard only to always be in debt, to never catch up. At which point he made some comment about "welcome to the real world" or about that being life, which I took as patronizing and ranted even louder and MUCH more rudely. To cut a long story short, it all ended with him retreating to our computer room and him yelling at me to "fuck off!" Well, yeehaw.

At thisd point, I desperately wanted to call my sister, but I have this annoying habbit of not charging wither of my phones and the batteries were dead. So I sat on the couch and bawled. Just bawled like there was no tomorrow. I freaked Chewbacca Lynn out. Hell, I think I freaked me out. So I decided to go for a walk, and Shawn joined me.

We didn't talk much. And when we did, it was idle chit chat. But it was enough fresh air, walking and idle chit chat so that my brain started to slow down and my heart was a bit soothed. I felt a whole lot better by the time we got home. So I started dinner and some light house work.

After the dishes were done, the trash pulled and with dinner in the oven, I sat down with a pop and a cigarette to read a magazine. And when I was just settled in at y table and started my first story in People, a man showed up at my door. One of whom I neither recognized the man or the vehicle. I chalked it up to another psycho neighbor and put Chewy in our room before opening the door to this:

Man: Miss Lay-floor

Me: close enough I guess. You never took french right?

Man:

Me: What's this?

Man: You've been served Miss Lay-Floor.

Me: That's NOT my name. Now get off my property!

I sat down at the table to open my packet. Appears I am being sued and have 28 days to respond to the court. For what? Hospital bills from years past. Ones I thought my insurance covered but didn't fully.

Well fuck. I didn;t want to show Shawn after our financial argument, but I called him out to look at the packet. He was shocked, as he hadn't heard a car or someone come over. Well, hell, honey. SUPRISE!

Just after that, dinner was done. I shaked and baked some chicken with a new herb and garlic shake. It sucked and I nearly gagged. After the way my day had been going, why not, right? The cauliflower I was cleaning to cook fell in the dishwater earlier. What else could go wrong?

So I came into my 'puter room to down load some Aretha tunez I've been drooling to get. FINALLY got them all and even burned em. Guess what? I drop the CD in an irretrievable spot. Grrr. So now I have to re-burn the CD. Not a big deal, but it's all adding up and taxing my patience.

I just keep counting down the days until my Daddy and my babies get here. And to when my loan check finally arrives and I can get my car back. It still hasn;t gotten here. Tomorrow is the 5th day of the 3-5 days waiting on the mail. So I pray it shows up tomorrow.

For the rest of tonight, Im gonna finish up here, figure out more songs to rip, and finish scrubbing down my bathroom.

Then I'm hitting the shower and curling up with a book and my woobie.

And maybe me and Chewbacca will ahve ourselves another good cry... just because.

I definately need a family fix bad.

Pray for me!

Sara