It was nearly 5 p.m. before I woke up again. I could hardly believe my eyes when I looked at the clock. I got Shawn out of bed and we got up. The house was empty I was relieved to find. His Mom and Brother were gone. I enjoy waking up to an empty house. It means I can awake slowly, peacefully without worrying who I could piss off in my groggy incoherancy.

I snuggled up on the couch and cuddled Chewy for a bit. Then watched some t.v. as Shawn settled onto the love seat. I got up and went to snuggle with him. I don't know how it happened, but I'm glad. I started kissing him gently. Then one thing led to another and the kisses held so much... passion, tenderness, need. Shawn, as a rule, is not a kisser. Quick pecks and once in awhile a 2 second steamy tongue lashing then its off to bed. But today, I revelled in the magic. We did end up making love, love like we haven't known in awhile. And all day since, I have been a little more settled. A little more at peace.

We chatted for a bit and I decided to cook for a change. I make chicken helper for the first time. I was delighted with their alfredo. I even added broccoli for added pizazz. I sat in the living room and watched t.v. as I ate, Shawn went to check emails.

Afetr awhile, he came out and asked if I would join him in playing EverQuest. I had been talking to his sister on the phone. I talked to her a short while more, then headed back to log into the game. I haven't played in over a month. I took a small vacation as it had started to consume my whole life. But I was glad to find Tamra on line. She is a friend like Ange, who I met on line, have never met in person, but got close to. We just clicked.

She and I are some what in the same boat. We haven't much lives aside from our jobs and the wonderful world of on line. The more we chatted, the more I realized that I have no real time friends. Only people I ahve met on line. And I wondered why. What stops me from living a life outside of home?

I have never been a loner. Not by far. I was never Miss. Popular or anything. I always preferred a few close true friends to a ton of people who called themselves friends but were more acquaintance like. In high school, I had maybe 10 really close friends. After school, we all went different ways. I don't see any of them anymore. How sad.

Then there was the fab 4 as I deemed them. The first was Jess, who introduced me to the other 3 gals and we all clicked. We were all into hockey, all studying religion, all out to have fun. Afetr a few years, it became touch and go. Then one moved, one married, the other got a boyfriend and slowly disappeared... and not long after that, Shawn and I relocated.

We took a chance at a better life 3 hours north from the only city we had ever known. We left our friends, our families, everything. He is fortunate enough to have family up here. I have one brother I brought up here and now only see as he needs something. I can't tell you how many times I would wish that I were still near my Dad and siblings. My friends. My old life. But then, I have it so much better here.

I used to have friends. When I worked at a couple of homes for the challenged. We worked together, then started hanging out together, and man, did we ever have good times. But I left those jobs to go work with Shawn, and the hours were so unrealistically tiring, that it left no time in my schedule. I miss those friends. I don;t know what happened, why I allowed myself to let them go. But I did. And after that, I never bothered to make more. Now, the hours at work are down to straight 8's, 5 days a week. And all too often I find myself lonely. Longing for that friendly companionship. To share with others how my days went, or friends to take me away from the stress of every day life.

And now, it almost seems impossible. Like Tam said, you can't just walk up to someone on the street and ask to be their friend. Oh, if only it were that simple. I read Ange's diary (AlawaysAnge.diaryland.com) and she talks of movies, lunches, nights out with friends, and I am all too jealous.

So here I am, in a small village, population 250 people on a good day. 45 minutes from the big city (30 mins. if shawn's drivin) No where near a friend. And it's sad.

I made one or two friends at the job I hold now. But when ya work with someone day in and day out, ya don't always want to go out after with those people and talk shop. There is one woman, Tina. Who was by far an awesome woman. A bit older, and alot wiser. I enjoy her company. But for some reason, even calling her is a huge step. You see, she's quite sick. Dying. Cancer has consumed her. The prognosis is fatal. She probably needs to know I'm still here, and oh, God, I am. Every day my prayers are with her. But I can;t call or go visit. I can't see her as she drifts away. And I wonder if that akes me the horrifying bitch that I feel I have become. Fear stops me from knowing her as anything other than the strong woman she is, beatiful in heart and of spirit. Kind. Tender. But now, I know she's lost her hair. That some days she's so ill she can't barely talk let alone have company. She's not dead, but my God, she's dying. And I'm not strong enough to be there. Maybe it's time to choke back my fears. Maybe, I don't deserve friends.

It's almost 4 a.m. I sit here, lighting my last cigarette before I hit the shower and prepare for sleep. I am thinking back to the days when I was in high school, I'd have friends over and we would stay up all night until long after the sun rose and talk about guys, fashion and all of our dreams.

Where have those lazy nights gone. Where my biggest fears were my Dad finding out I "'borrowed" his car while he slept. Or if Shawn would pop in to take me out. When a lazy day meant sitting pool side with Michelle, our toes dragging through the water as we dared to dream.

Are those days gone? Will my lazy days now consist of sleeping as late as possible and lounging on the couch watching reruns? Perhaps they are... but maybe, just maybe, one day, I will go out and make new friends... and find someone to share my lazy days with.

And if not, thank God, for the memories.