I was right as were a couple other people close to me about how my Valentine's Day would end. Shawn braved the icy roads to go to his meeting with our U.A.W. financial secretary and his fellow trstees while I stayed home and tackled more housework. I was quite productive too. I managed to get every bit of dirty laundry washed, dried and for the most part- put away. A task in itself. Then, I also tackled our disaster area of a bedroom, cleaning it practically spotless, making the bed with freshly cleaned linens and even vacuumed and shampooed the carpets.

With all of that out of the way, I settled onto the couch about noon with the furries and started to drift off when Shawn caleld to say that they were done and would I like to go to lunch. I would and so I got dressed and he picked me up. He also invited his Mom to go. (Gah! How romantic is that?) And his brother went too. (romance definately killed)

Lunch went okay. Everyone there was in a fabulous mood except for me. I tried to be, but it was a gut wrenching fact to know that once again- he had not gotten me so much as a card or wished me a happy valentine's. I was crushed.

It sent me into a tailspin that has since had me evaluating our relationship over and over. I can't help but wonder that if on a couple special days like Valentine's and birthdays and what have you- that if he can't even get a card or something small to make me feel special after I went all out for him and then some- can we make it?

I told him this morning before work that I just don't know if we're meant for forever. And that I am thinking of maybe just postponing the wedding until we do know.

I am so confused right now it's pathetic. After 11 and a half years of waiting, I finally hear the words I have waited so long to hear... and yet, were they a little too late?

I don;t think he fully grasps my concept on life long love. You see, I truly believe that the man meant for me for eternity will love me as much as I love him. I go out of my way to assure that my man feels special on his special days. Like this Valentine's and all I did for him. (Step back an entry if you missed it all) The hotel suite, the lingerie, dinner, a card, gifts... and yet- I'm nto important enough to warrant so much as a card?

I have so many mixed emotions I just don't know where to turn or in which direction to go. And yes, I am scared. Scared shitless of a lifetime commitment to Shawn, and also scared of a lifetime without him also.

Frank and I talked about everything a lot tonight. He listened to all I had to say, offered some advice, input and even a hug. He is such a God send to me. A man who can listen to me and not judge. Make me laugh when I just want to cry. And hug me when I just want to fall apart. Friends like Frank are few and far between. So tonight, when I say my prayers- I'll be thanking God for the blessing Frank has been to me and my life.

I just don't know much anymore.Maybe it's just cold feet. Maybe it's my own insecurities. I don't know. But whatever it is- I hope I get clarity before the insanity sets in.

Simply,

Sara