A huge family picnic and softball game at the park as we waited patiently passing the time enjoying the company of our family for the night's festivities. The first spring rains when daddy would take us all out to make mud pies in the garden to be sure there were worms to help whatever dysfunctional garden grow that he planned to plant. The raking of massive leave piles that my Dad would labor long and hard on ell into the late afternoon tirelessly only because his four brats would come right along behind him and jump into them and spread them back across Grandma's lawn. And winter-that brought sledding at Hoyt Park and "The Big Hill" as we called it in our very own neighborhood. Daddy would give each one of us a good shove and jump in behind us so he too, could enjoy the trip down the hill. Then there were snowmen, snow-angels and hot cocoa. Each season brings me memories. But since my bad winter and my car wreck, I haven't enjoyed snow much since.

But this year, the first snow fall actually seems fitting. It matches the coldness I'm feeling deep within ... in a season where good tidings and Holiday Cheer are supposed to be running rampant throughout my veins. But I am lacking this year. In fact, I think a lot of us out there are this year for one reason, or another. But definitely for me.

My relationship with Shawn has found some demons that are rearing their ugly heads. And even I am scared silly at this point. I don;t know where they came from, how they got here or if they will even leave. But in my attempt to move past them and move on after them, I have somehow managed to single-handedly complicate things even more! I can honestly say that I am in a place right now that has me dreading each moment and wondering where I'll be in the next.

I can;t pin point one certain issue or problem that is tearing us apart. Suffice it to say that there are a few of them. I do not wish to hash out a bunch of details here. And besides, it could take much more space than D'Land would even allow me to use. But it's ugly. We fight a lot now. Over dumb shit, real shit and everything in between. And I am shocked to find that my feeling for him are now in jeopardy. After 11 years, I am considering moving on. After 11 years of loving faithfully, unconditionally whole heartedly ... my heart is turning bitter. I feel a certain coldness now I have never known before. And I am scared. And I am sad. And I dare to say that I think he's feeling about the same way right now.

I don't know if it's because I am changing or what. I am though ... changing I mean. I see things differently. I see people differently. And what I want for myself and my life has changed drastically. And it's not fair to others really. I feel as though all of these changes within me are affecting them and not always in positive ways. And hurting anyone I love or care for kills me like nothing else. And yet, I am helpless to change it.

I know this much- I want true happiness. I want a balanced life of love, marriage and a family. I want a nice home with the proverbial white picket fence. children playing out in the yard with the dogs. Family BBQ's and lazy Sunday's out on the porch enjoying the day and making new memories to store and look back on. I wouldn't even mind moving onto a farm, raising animals along with my children and farming the land for my own vegetation. I want a simple life. One that's care free, clean and harmonious. Damn it, I want it all!!!

And in a man... I want love. But I don;t want to sacrifice romance or passion. I want to see the longing for me in his eyes. To know that his lips want to meet mine in a kiss that makes me do "the leg lift!" I want to know that his blood boils with passion because I am near him. And that my silliness makes him laugh and not roll his eyes. I want to know that no matter what shape my body is in, he loves it for what it is. No matter how crazy I am, he enjoys my humor and wit. I want a man who appreciates me for all that I am, and forgives me for all that I will never be.

And yet I don;t know that that's possible for Shawn and I anymore. And that hurts ... in fact, my heart hurts. It aches with an ache so deep I wonder if it will ever beat right again. Right now I am caught between a rock, a hard place and the unknown.

The Rock is the man who has been there by my side for the past 11 years. Loving me the only way he knows how. He's been my best friend, my confidant-my everything. The hard place is the one that offers up an easy escape. A temporary solution. And the answer to all my prayers. Yet without any chance of a promise for forever. No guarantees. And even worse, with great consequences. And the Unknown offers up the chance at freedom, at happiness at chasing all my dreams. But with this place too, there are no guarantees. There are no "safe bets." And in choosing this option, I am sure that turning back should I find out the grass was not greener like I had hoped-would be impossible.

So here I sit, contemplating life. Wishing for a hug, someone to hold me, kiss my head, stroke my hair and tell me that 'everything's gonna be okay.' And yet, I am empty armed. Unkissed. Unstroked. And everything is not okay.

There's a verse from a song by Kelly Clarkson running through my mind as it has been for days....

"Make a wish, take a risk, take a chance, make a change-and fly away. Out of the darkness and into the sun- But I won;t forget all the ones that I love, I won;t forget the place I come from...."

Simply,

Sara