I don't know if I mentioned in my last entry that I did finally have my scope. Although the procedure was painless and nothing I remember even the tiniest tidbit about- it's not something I had wanted to do over. But yet, I ahve to. I guess the meds they gave me didn't work. So now I am on more drugs. Blech. These upset my tummy something fierce. And they also have adverse reactions that for the sake of the queasy I won't go into details. So now, my surgery is set-back at least four more weeks.

I am so frustrated. I want nothing more than to finally have this over with. I went from one extreme to the other emotionally. I had no idea I was so unhealthy. Somaybe it's a good thing this is all happening. And like my sister Lisa said, maybe this is happening because this just isn't the right time to have the surgery for me. But whatever the case may be... I'm growing more and more antsy. And I am starting to think that if this doesn't happen by the end of August- maybe I don't want to go through with it at all. maybe if it's not happened by then- it wasn't truly meant to be?

Shawn and I have been having "issues". I don't remember how much of that I mentioned. We are starting to talk more. I still don't know what's been going on. But I know that he hasn't been himself. Last night, on the ride home- he mentioned something about his nerves. That kind of took me for a loop since I didn't know anything could work his nerves. He wouldn't elaborate. But I'm thinking taht was his way of letting me know that things are getting to him too- and maybe, just maybe he doesn't know how to handle it all either.

I just wish he'd talk to me. I don;t care if he's sad, happy, ready to rip my head off- at least include me in on what he's feeling and why he's feeling that way. I know there's been times that he's been distraught over something I might have said and when we finally get around to talking about it, I end up shocked because he took what I had to say totally out of context because of the way I said it.

I don't know that that's the case right now. I don't know what is going on at all right now. But at least we're speaking. he even cuddled and held me this morning. Ooh, and I got a kiss too. So that's all positives. Right?

I'm headed for home tonight after work. that's another thing turning into one big frustrating mess. his Mom was gonna go with me so i didn't have to go alone and she'd stay with her sister. Cool. I called to tell her it was a definate go today, but I guess she's sick. I understand some tyhings can't be helped... but a call before I left for work would have been nice since I could have driven seperately and left right from work. In doing that, I shave 30-45 minutes off the trip completely. ARG!

My siblings don't want to meet me halfway this time. I wanna cry, but I don't balme any of them honestly. I'm just worried about the rain which is supposed to happen all the way down until after 3 a.m., and the construction that will make me lose my exit I'm sure. This will be my first solo trip and I'm not sure that I am ready. I'm so close to calling and cancelling.

I'm such a big baby. It's pathetic. Unfortunately- that's me though. Like it or not. Fortunately, I like myself more often than not. LoL!

Well, that's all I have time for. Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend. I'm sure gonna try to!

Simply,

Sara