It gave me the warm fuzzies. And then I laughed a bit. Not at that person, to them I am grateful- honest! I had to laugh because at this point in my life, now- more than ever, I feel like a girl come undone. Remember that Wally Sparks book with that title? I hated that book. I was excited to read it because a fat girl was the main character... and then he made her a crazed pshycho in ways and I hated that book. But right now... that's me.

I'm coming undone!

I was talking to my boss today about it. I'm sleeping on the couch more often than not. I always have little excuses for doing so, but I used to freak out on Shawn when he used to do it. To me, that signifies trouble in a relationship. So why am I sleeping on the couch? And then I realized, my relationship is not troubled. I am! And I hesitate to talk to anyone about it anymore, because I whine about the same stuff I've been whining about for 5 years. The same things bother me. And I know people have got to be sick of hearing it all by now. Nothing has changed. So since he hasn't changed, why do I still whine? Why do I still feel sometimes like this isn't what I want? And then there are times when it's never felt so right.

And the funny thing is, once, when i was bitching to a friend about "Us" (Myself and Shawn), they were like, 'You know what? You're so right. he's such an asshole. He treats you bad, he takes you for granted. he's such a big loser!'

I felt the blood rush to y face and I was just about to punch this person in the face for talking shiy about my man! When they smirked and said 'Gotchya!' After all the bitching I had done, it wasn't right for other people? I got so fiercely over protective it was nuts. I learned a lot after that conversation.

A) I still love him. No matter how much hecan wear my patience thin and grate on my last nerve, B) I believe I have earned every right to bitch, whine and moan after 10 years, and C)I am still clueless about love. Imagine that.

My boss said a lot of it he bets is the stress. And I know he's right. I keep bottling up all the stress about this upcoming surgery, my failing health, finances and everything in between and then I take it out on Shawn. Maybe because he can't make it better. maybe becuase I don't feel he tries. I'm wondering if I am being unfair to him?

In any event, I have realized that I am a paranoid pschitzophrenic.(sp?) Yeah. That's my official self described diagnosis. At least I'm nto in denial anymore... but does anyone have a cure?

I am really tired of being this whiney bitch. This is not the good kind of bitch like I actually like being. It's sad,

Will I ever be myself again? Hopefully... not. I wish I could become the woman I know I ahve the potential to be.

A happy, secure, smart woman,

Gotta go, he's peeking.

Simply,

Sara