And like that wasn't enough... I got an I.M. last night on AOL while I was simming on TSO last night that really grated my last nerve to a thin shred... I saved it to share it here...

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DigiDreamKnight: why?

SS: pardon?

DigiDreamKnight: why stay with a guy for 9 years wirth no rock?

SS: LOL. because, I love him

DigiDreamKnight: i would have left 5 years ago

SS: I guess that's the difference between you and I then eh?

DigiDreamKnight: just shows hes not into it hmm?

SS: Who am I to argue with love?

He might not be into it... but he is into me. And that's what matters

DigiDreamKnight: hes into an easy lay

SS: I beg your pardon! I am NOT nor have I ever been an easy lay

DigiDreamKnight: hmm

SS: When you don;t know the full story it's best not to comment

DigiDreamKnight: not much to know

SS: Who are you to pass judgement on my life anyways?

DigiDreamKnight: your advertising that your staying with a guy who wont give up to marrige?

SS: Thats not an advertisment. Thats just a fact I dont need to hide who I am or what I do with my life. I am a person who is NOT ashamed of my life or who I am so is that all you wanted then? To ask why I choose to live the way I do?

DigiDreamKnight: seems lonly

SS: How is that lonely? Anyways, I am not lonely. Lonely would constitude lack of companionship. I have shared my life with my best friend for almost 10 years now. I don;t understand why you'd think I was lonely.

DigiDreamKnight: cuz you havent decided to share the love

SS: Pardon?

DigiDreamKnight: why arent you marred?

SS: we both share our love for opne another.

SS: *one

SS: Because he hasn't asked me to. Obviously, he isn't ready yet

DigiDreamKnight: yeah, like i said, why buy the cow whne you can get the milk for free

SS: so now you've resorted to calling me a cow?

SS: LOL. You understand that there is much more to a relationship than sex right? or is that all you, as a tedious penis toting man, thinks that matters

DigiDreamKnight: i think that marrage matters

SS: And I'm not arguing that. I think it matters even more when a man proposes of his own accord and now because he is pressured into doing so

DigiDreamKnight: if a mans hasnt after 9 years, it proabably not going to happen

SS: Thats just you looking thru the stained glass window. It WILL happen. When he's ready. And until then... I'm waiting patiently

DigiDreamKnight: youll die waiting too

SS: And if that were to happen, I'll die having spent my life with my mr. right. Married or not

SS: What do you care anyways? (he never did answer that)

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I really do resent the analogy of "why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free". That saying has ALWAYS irked me when used in refrence to me. I guess being a "queen sized" woman will do that.

I don't know why I let that conversation shake me as bad as it has. I am the one person of 2 who has lived in my situation the past 9.75 years. I know better than anyone else on the outside looking in.... don't I?

I asked myself that a lot today. What if he never does ask me to marry him. What if he's gotten so comfortable with the way things are that he doesn't want that to change. What if he never asks because he doesn't want to get married.

I don't doubt that he loves me. Shawn is not the type of person who would carry on a full fledged intimate relationship with someone unless he did love them. I can honestly be secure in that fact. It took me 8 years to be secure in his love for me. I used to doubt it every so often. I don;t know what's changed that I finally woke up and realized that I was being paranoid.

And what if... just maybe- he won't buy the milk because he did in fact, get this cow for free? I have often wondered that. Have I given myself too freely? Should I have waited? Should I have expected more? Demanded more? Am I, in turn, settling for less than what I had my hopes set for?

By no means would I ever accept a proposal he felt pressured into. I would feel too guilty. I just couldn't. That's not me. When he proposes to me, I want it to be because he loves me. Because he knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health- 'til death to us part. I don't want a marriage that will end in divorce. I want a married based on Love, Trust, Unserstanding and Patience. I want to share my life with someone who loves me the way that I love him. Freely, completely... and above all, unconditionally.

And what if that never happens. What if I'm still asking ymself all of these questions another 10 years from now? Do I sit and continue waiting patiently? When is enough enough. Or is enough ever enough?

I know it sounds like I am doubting his love and my love for him. And truthfully, I'm not. I am just wondering if there is a limit to how long I will wait? Or if there is a limit to how long my patience will remain?

And if in fact, I am wasting my time? Which in itself, is a scary thought. I have, no- WE have so much time, effort, energies and so much more invested in one another. Invested in US.

Will there always be an "Us?"

I surely cannot imagine my life without Shawn in it. And for what's more, I refuse to imagine my life without Shawn.

So this is me, totally rattled by a conversation from an unknown penis toting male... singing the blues...

And I guess, for now, the Cow who gives the milk up daily. Freely, and unconditionally. Will I be that Cow 5, 10, 20 years from now? I don't have that answer. But I'd like to think yes. I'd like to put my faith in the fact that our love will still be strong even then. With, or without a legal union.

If we cannot have faith in the power of love... can we have faith in anything anymore?!

Simply,

Sara

((I am going to upgrade my gold to supergold so you can leave messages again... and if ya haven't noticed, I did change my aol name for obvious reasons. And for obvious reasons, I did not change his. LMAO)