So, here I am. Once we finally rolled out of bed we made the few minute drive into the village and got some money orders to pay bills with. Then drove down a few driveways to the local Lounge for lunch. I was rather shocked how dead it was until as we enetered, we saw signs that their liquor license had been suspended. Well, we weren't there for anything but food, so we went in and had quite a nice lunch and we chatted.

That's something we've been doing a lot more as of late, chatting. Openly and honestly... without any arguments or hurt feelings. It's something that took some getting used to for me, as I by nature, am an arguer. Everyone always teases me that I bitch and argue just to hear myself do so, and often I wonder if perhaps they might be right. I do love to have a good debate. Right or wrong, rest assured, I WILL get my 2 cents in.

Last night, the topic at hand went to babies. I think I briefly touched on that in my last entry. To give a little back ground info, Shawn and I both for as long as I can remember, wanted children. We always teased about having 7 so we would no longer have to pay taxes. In all honesty, I think if we could manage it- we would have 7. But we can't. So after much thought, I always thought no more than 4, but perhaps 2 would be ideal. Now, after our failure to reproduce, I often felt even one child would be a mere blessing from God. And once, I even dared pray aloud to God that I would settle for a less than perfect baby, which Shawn promptly chewed my fanny quite harshly.

But I am frustrated. Shawn and I will have been a sexual active and loving couple for almost 10 years now. Only once did we think to use contraceptives of any kind and decided we would just "be careful" about sex as he didn't seem to enjoy condoms. Now, I would NEVER advise this to anyone. I realize how stupid it was and what a gamble we took. But in all these years, we failed to reproduce. I chalked it up to one hell of a lucky streak. Well, Shawn shot that idea to hell in a hand woven basket. He promised me that no one gets that lucky. And after thinking about it, I knew he was right.

Then we started actually trying to have kids about 4 years ago, to no avail. Then in our frustration, I went to my OB-GYN and explained to him our situation. He gave me some pills to take to assure my ovulation and to see where that got us. But neither our schedules or fate were on our side. he got bumped to 3rd shift and "hallway sex" was as best it got for us then. (You know, the wuick, "fuck you!," and the "Nop, fuck YOU!" as we passed int he hallways)

The pills did 2 things for me. 1) Made me so horny I'd have fucked anything living that even resembled something having anything worth piercing my body with (sadly enough and as crazy as it may sound to anyone) and 2) I became so irritable I was fit to be tied and couldn't stand myself.

After the failure with the pills, we tried the taking my temperature, he did a sperm test, no small feat for him I assure you. And after a year's worth of trial and error and many hurt feelings and bouts of raging depression... I decided to let God work his magic were it His choice to do so and just let nature take its course.

Everyone always talks about how "fun" trying to make babies can be. Those people are the people who haven't gone through the hells of infertility I assure you. Infertility makes sex an evil thing. It turns a once loving couple into two people loooking to blame one another for the lack of children. And turnsd what love making was meant to be, into a chore that leaves you exhausted. It takes the tenderness and romance and turns it into something less than appealing.

It's been four years now. Most of my friends have all had their children. My sister has now had 2 of her own, which I adore- but admit makes me jealous as all hell at times. And I have struggled with depression and the lond winded "why me's". Not to mention the many nights I cried my pitiful soul to sleep wondering what I could have done so rotten in life to deserve this barren womb.

But then all of a sudden, it became okay for me. I'm going to be 27 in a month. I have a beautiful niece and nephew of which I am proud to have and love as if they were my very own. I still have Shawn, who in his own, uncanny way, I believe loves me with his entire heart and soul. And I have my life with it's familiar ups, downs and shocks. But my life, is good. I want for nothing material really. I have a man who stands beside me. Who doesn't look down upon me or chastise me. A man who thick, thin and otherwise has made me his half of a whole. No better, No worse... but his equal. And, most importantly, I still ahve my Faith.

I guess when I look at it, I know that if God wants us to have babies, it will be. If it is not in His plan, then that's His plan. I have come to terms with it for the most parts. Don't get me wrong, I still wodner why sometimes, that I have no babies. And I wish there was a little one running about under my feet to mimic and mime all that we do and say. To share my days with and teach all the wonders of life.

But were we never to have that, so be it. At least we have each other. And I think that I am blessed, with or without babies. What Shawn and I share is a profound blessing in my eyes, even if only to me. Something that not everyone is lucky enough to find.

And even still, we do have options. There is adoption, which I doubt we will ever be able to affored as I know it to be quite costly. Not to mention a pain in the ass. And Shawn doesn't think he could go that route. Yet, I believe that were we to do it, I think he could and would love another couples child like his own given the chance.

And there is the option of foster children. Something that even were I tyo have a child or children of my own, I would still explore. There are so many children out there who could use 2 people like us to love and care for them. And should we get a new home, and assuredin stable income as we have been for 5 years now. Why not? Provided we qualify.

And Shawn is open to being foster parents. And who's to say we might get a child to care for who ends up being semi-long term and we may fall in love with and even adopt.

So there are possibilities. Either way, I am open to them all. And until we discussed it last night, I hadn't known just how all right I was without children. And better yet, I now know where Shawn stands.

***************************************

Today's topic was the prospect of a new home. I all but tossed my hops on that out the window like a pan filled with graese I didn't want to run down the sink. When our sales rep called to tell us he needed more time once he saw our credit report, the door to my hope chest slammed shut like a heavy vault door, locked and not to be opened for a long, long time.

I was shocked to hear that he hadn't wuite given up. He still hopes that they can do something for us.Perhaps not the 1,900 sq. foot dream home I picked out of one of the floor plan books given us to browse. But as he pointed out, we loive in a 1973 trailer with an addition. At best, our run down shack is MAYBE 900 sq. feet. Out of each of the 3 books the rep. gave us to look over, none of the homes were less than 925 sq. feet. So even were we to get one of the smallest homes, it would be bigger than what we have now. Not to mention, new!

I had never looked at it like that. And even a brand new home no matter whether it be my dream home or not, is going to be better than this ramshackle place we have planted our roots in. It would have drywall and drop cielings. And I dare to dream of a home with new appliances, A DISHWASHER!, new carpets, cieling lights and a garden tub. And maybe even a fireplace or two.

So now, I am filled with renewed hope. And the sense that even if not next week or even in a few months, then someday. I will just ahve to be sure to shop less and pay off more of our outstanding and existing debts.

You see, that's one of the things I love most about Shawn. When I get so discouraged that I cannot find the light at the end of the tunnel, nor muster up the strength and courage it takes to hang onto hope... he comes along and lends me some of his. He gives me a hug, a sweet and tender kiss, a few kind words... and there's that light again! The one I had lost, and now is easily seen beckoning me thru the darkness and out of the tunnel.

Some have dared say lately that my "prozac coctail" as we have jokingly deemed it, has made me a much more sensible and bearable person even in the month I have been on it. I agree, to a point. I don't think that's the whole truth. But I think perhaps it has helped me to open my eyes to Shawn's love in a way I had not known to look in... and to my close friends whom have always been on the sidelines cheering me on and jumping into the game whenever I needed them, without me even having to ask.

I guess that's one of the softer sides of life I had failed to notice before. God may throw us curve balls out of nowhere... but he provides us a team of people we all too often take for granted until they don their helmets, gloves, mits and padding... without us ever asking or thinking we need them.

And Lord knows I have one hell of a team!

So to my Dad, Mom, Sisters, Brothers, Shawn, Ange, Tara, Renee, Crystal, John, Jamie and the many others... Thank You. My many rocks of courage who pull me thru time and time again.

GO TEAM!

Quite simply, yet sansationally-

Sara