Why this year is it so different for me? Why have I turned into Scrooge? Everyone is abuzz at work about the upcoming holidays. I so want to be one of them, but yet, I cannot. What the **** is upw ith that?

Is it that I am broke? That I am being demoted at work? That I miss my family? That I am scared of all taht has transpired in my life all at once so recently? Or perhaps, quite likely, all of the above? And how can I get my holiday cheer back?

I am thinking home made gifts might not be looked down upon. Yet I feel quite cheezy for even attempting it. I am planning on some really intimate gifts for my sisters. Gifts truly, most sincerely from the heart. I have a feeling that they will appreciate the concept. But what for my Dad? My brothers? My mom? Ugh.

I am really burnt out on having in-laws-to-be living here. It doesn't seem like Shawn;s Mom has put any true effort into job searches. She said she has put a "couple" apps in places. But she's lived with us going on a year now. That doens;t cut it for me. If it were me and I were living with a child, had no job, and a younger child who has been bounced from one dwelling in unsteadiness... I would move heaven and earth, scrub toilets, flip burgers with Elvis in K-Zoo, do whatever it was that needed to be done to give my child stability and a home. Maybe she's comfy here and doesn't really want to move. That's something that I have considered. But how fair is she being to me, to my relationship with her son, to his little brother? To herself even?

I hate to sound like a broken record, and I will be the first to admit that I am starting to be upset by petty little bull shit. But G-damn it... that is my RIGHT! For the better part of this year, I have lost my privacy, have had my intimate life with my spouse severely altered, my finances altered, my home has been invaded and I feel at a loss. I say something and I am a cold heartless bitch. I hold it in and then at some point, I blow and cannot in any way shape or form control what flies from my mouth in pure rage.

One example is this: Shawn;s Mom told him we were low on toilet paper. No biggie. But he didn;t mention it to me, and being the man that he is... when we were at the store, he forgot. She asked me when we got home if we bought any and I proceeded to tell her that I didn't know anything about it to which she recouped that she told Shawn. Like that solved everything. Well the next day came, ended and still we forgot. Until I go into the bathroom and find my kleenex being used for t.p. Now this seems really petty... but good God, the woman gets money. Can easily afford $1.19 at the loacl gas station for a pack of t.p. No... she uses my kleenex. WHAT THE FUCK???? Grrr.

She is always putting shit where I get severaly annoyed. Like my kitchen table is sacred to me. taht's where I sit to read to be away from any commotion. it's just my habbit. She will find things just to put all over ym table to the point where I constantly have to clean it to use it. For the love of all that is holy, its a g-damn kitchen table, not a lost and found box! I cannot watch t.v. anymore. She's always there. Seems like 24/7. Shes watching tv, or napping on the love seat from the strenuous work out of flipping channels. When I do take control of the t.v. and get comfy and settle into a program I think I will enjoy, she decides it's "Let's talk Sara's ear off hour". And when I finally glare, stare and all but yell shut the fuck up (which I have done in agony) she'll sit there talking to his little brother across the room. I hardly have hot water, go to use something and its in use. And everything I tell her not to do, she does. Is it to spite me???

Sometimes I fell my sanity slowly slipping away. I am going numb. I want to scream, maim, sob and laugh at the obsurdity all at once. Even right now. And nothing, not anything I do seems to help. Not even reading carries me away.

I feel like the unwanted guest in my house. Second best to Shawn. The house bitch.

I'm starting to cower back into my shell of darkness and sleep. I don;t want to be here. But what else is there for me to do? I tell shawn what bothers me, it goes in one ear and out the other. He doensn't want to piss of his Mom or hurt her. He tries to pascify me, but yet I still feel like I matter zilch.

WILL THE SHIT NEVER END?!

Had another shitty day at work. My line ran for shit, the boss was crawling up my ass... people annoyed me. I just did what I could. I went for hours without a break, then when my pizza got delivered, I plopped my fat ass down for an hour. Never got another break either. Good thing I prolonged the one I got. I'm still miffed about being demoted. the closer Monday gets, the worse my mood gets.

I finished Blood and Gold by Anne Rice. It was okay. I hadn't realized that it was another of her Vampire books. I read up to Memnoch the Devil. I started taht one and grew weary of her Vampire's, then lost the book and never replaced it. I was glad to be back with the familiar Vampires in a whole new spin of their history. Not her best. But not her worst. in my humble opinion, her best was The Witching Hour. Her worst was Violin.

I am now reading The Last Don by Mario Puzo. I read The Family, his last novel before his death a few weeks back. Didn't realize he was the writer of The Godfather. But The Family was good. So I picked up the Last Don at a thrift shop for a quarter. Its good so far. And for a quarter... well, hey. I'm your huckleberry!

Got a letter from my Grandma Coppinger today. It was, as usual, quite short and impersonal. in fact, It consisted of a hello, that they are moving all of the veteran's memorials back home to one central location and she bought my Granddad a brick in his Memory. She doesn't often tell me she loves me or anything personal. Each letter, a part of me dies. This was my Nana. The one who, tag teamed with my Grandad practically raised me. I soent all of my time with them that I could. I so adored them. Not long after my Mom left, they disowned her... and forgot about us kids. I don;t know what happened. I sent her a letter when during a medical emergency, I thought I was dying, a really angry letter about how she could forget us and disown us. It all but killed her my family said. Then I apologized, I lived, and still, no interaction. I write to say I'll be home for the holidays and get a letter back saying how busy she will be and won't have time to meet. Maybe next time. How sad. My grandad passed away when I was 18 or 19. To this day, my ONLY regret in life is that we drifted far apart and never found what we once had. So every week, I write home to my Nana. I tell her about the latest in my life, and always that I love her. I will not lose her without knowing I did everything I could to bridge the gap. I DO love her. Heart and soul.

Wow. Seems like I tend to write a lot when I am full of piss and vinegar. Sorry. Maybe it's good for me to vent here. I'm just trying to mellow out. I have had a scorching hot shower to calm my muscles and my nerves. Im in my comfy p.j.'s and listening the The Dance c.d. by Fleetwood Mac.

If only I believed in Calgon. Take me awaaaayyyy....

I am still thinking of suing them. They always advertise of women slipping into a soothing calgin bath and being lifted off to some fancy dream world. No amount of Calgon, and I have tried box after box more than once. My tub was half calgon, 1/4 water and the rest me. I was still behind the closed door, in the dark with a candle burning. the dog was still howling, shawn was still bitching and the mother in law to be yelling about something... calgon never did nothin' for me. Well, save for false advertising... Any lawyers out there???

I just got AOL dl'ed and installed. I hate it. Can't connect, when I do it faults or errors. I think I will go tweak on it. Maybe I'll get pissed enough to throw my puter out the window. Sweet release....

'Til the morrow.... or the next time I am full of piss and vinegar!

Simply,

Sara