Today just got off to a bad start and ended on a wrong note. In fact, if my life were an orchestrated symphony, I think it would sound a lot like someone gave a room of 50 toddlers some pots and pans and ball peen hammers. Oh, yes. That is the symphony I'm supposed to dance too. Sounds fun doesn't it?

I set the alarms for a normal work day today. With our work Christmas party tonight, I wanted to get into the city early enough to get my hair did and my nails done. (To hell with you just itching to correct my grammar. I know I used bad grammar. I opted to do so. If you must, cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it already!) I was also considering a new shirt and new pair of shoes since Bark Lee has managed to somehow chew all my shoes save my work shoes to shreds.

Well, Samantha and Nicol arrived on time. But they let us sleep. (How nice. ) And Shawn took it upon himself to shut the alarms off. () When I rolled out of bed it was going on 3 p.m. The party started at 5:30 p.m. So I took the faster shower any woman has ever taken. Got dressed. Did my hair and make up and looked damn good. However, I had to wear my 4 inch heeled boots that are angled so oddly you end up walking on your tippy toes. So they hurt, and when your feet sweat they slide making for dangerous walking conditions. Ordinarily, I forgo the possible slip and fall hazards because they look damn good even if they do make me a giant. However, today, my puppy chewed on the toes. Thank God it was dark at the hall and I was able to go barefoot.

I did manage to get my nails removed and new ones put on. So now my nails are now "active" length. I call them "functional". Kind of short, but nice looking. And I have a fablous French manicure.

Anyhow, we get to the hall, people are already lined up for food. We grab some and pick our chairs. I'm already irritated, but seeing everyone clean and happy, that really started melting the ice on my mood chamber. After dinner, we bought 30 bucks worth of raffle tickets to which I won zilch this year. A first for me. And after the raffle was dancing and music.

I was having such a blast as were Samantha and Nicol. But an hour into the fun (And 34 jell-o shots later) no less) I'm really shaking my tail feather and guess what? My Asshole wants to go. he's had enough. I agree we can leave after we have one slow dance. So there I sit, waiting for any slow dance to come up and chatting with my peers and Samantha walks up saying Shawn (The Asshole) wants to go, and go now. I stood up, grabbed my shoes and stuff and headed for the car. I am soooooo pissed.

We haven't gone out in a while. Can't really afford to. I thought tonight would be a great night to sit, chill, enjoy the company of people. Just kick back and have a good time. Nope. He wasn't having it.

I was just reading an article in People mag about the Reagan's and how the former President's Alzheimer's disease has rendered him practically memory free. He doesn't recognize anything or anyone anymore. And yet she ferociously protects him. Clings to all duties herself trying to give the man she loves as much normalcy and happiness she can give him for their remaining time together. She has deemed it "The Long Good Bye."

I started thinking that's a lot like my relationship with the Asshole. After 10 years, he has forgotten how to laugh together, have fun together, converse together. I dare to say I think he has even forgotten how to be a couple together. At least functionally. And I am a lot like Nancy, clinging to all I hold dear in hopes of giving him all that he needs. Out of love, dedication and loyalty.

I know it is nothing like Alzheimer's. Shawn is fortunate enough to be able to recall memories and such when he chooses to. He just doesn't choose to anymore. He's hell bent on just existing. I want more than that.

I want a man who wants to slow dance, to laugh, to have fun. I know it cant always be peaches and cream. But it doesn't always have to be doom and gloom either...

I honestly don't know how much more I can stomach. Not when I know that if he can't love and appreciate me the way I deserve to be. There is! someone out there who can.

There has to be ... right?

Simply,

Sara